Court for SSI

Yesterday was, hard, to say the least.
I went to court for SSI, and It was like a therapy session - tears and all.

I wanted to cry out "help me get better", but all I could do was answer the questions when the judge asked or when the lawyer asked.
I'm so scared, I'm so, fearful? I don't know how to explain it.

I'm so sick of being criticized for filing for disability. So many people abused the system that don't need the help. People working, making $1,200+ a month, but still getting a $1,400 check every month. How is that fair??
How is it fair that no matter how hard I try to work on me, I get dirty looks?

Because I don't limp? Because I don't have to get around in a wheel chair? Or is it because I smile when people come around?

Do any of you have any idea how many people I have lost in my life because I have spoke openly about my feelings, or because I stood up for what I believe in?

Why is it so much more OK to take some medication and walk around half asleep, than it is to ask for help and speak your mind? Why can't people say "It's ok to need help." rather than "Grow up and get over it."

Some things you just can't get over, some things you have stuck in  your mind. Some things you have to learn to get over and grow out of it. When you have spent your whole life believing one thing, and finally you break and can't get back up, why are we made to believe asking for help is bad? Why are we led to believe that we need to just deal with things on our own free time? What if those issues, those feelings, those memories, what if they invade your life on a daily basis?

People have called me a lier, people have told me I'm lazy, My favorite Aunt has refered to me as a lazy attention whore. Seriously? All because some times I need to vent and hear someone say "its ok"?

Mostly - Am I not allowed to have a good day? I only get a few of them a month. But the second you see a smile on my face you want to call me a lier for every single one of my bad days? How does that make any sense? I'm not allowed to be happy? Do you have any idea how much worse that makes me?

I was told me whole life I was a lier, a cheat, a fraud, and a mistake. Now your going to tell me I need to choose to either be happy or be depressed? Why cant I be both? Why cant I enjoy my good days when I have them? Its like finding a $50 in the mix of $1's. Its something I enjoy, and want to make the most of, because tomorrow I may wake up and not be able to get out of bed.

I'm sick of making people think my life is better just so I dont have to hear them complain about me, or hear the things they say behind my back. I'm sick of people pushing me to do things I'm not able to do, it makes me feel even worse.

I'm scared to tell anyone in my family about the SSI - not because I don't need it, but because I am sick of being made to feel like I'm the worst person in the world because I'm asking for help when I need it.

Why is it so hard for people to say "Its ok if you need help"? Why is it so much easier for people to say "Do it your damn self, you havent earned anything if you havent busted your ass for 50 years!!"

I'm sick of being made to feel irrelivent, I'm sick of having to be fake with people I love, because they refuse to support me. I put up with more crap so I don't lose them, when in fact, I'm sure the things they think and say about me are part of the damn problem to start with.

Nightmare 10/18

This morning I went back to bed and had this nightmare. I was in this huge arcade attached to my parents home. I was trying to collect the Wii console and remotes for Kat and I to play in the house. This guy who had been a familhy friend had the remote and was holding it above his head.

I said "Come on ________, gimme the remote." And iafter he gave it to me I said "I was going to tell you welcome back we missed you, but now your just a fucking douch bag!"
He grabbed my wrist and said "Oh, I missed you too, wanna feel ho9w much?" And he started pressing himself against me.His friend chimmed in and started razzing him on.
I started screaming, these blood curdeling screams, but no one came, no one even looked.
He said, "Oh remember, your mans gone, he don't give a shit now...."
I looked up and saw Andrew standing there leaning against the wall watching, doing nothing.
He forced himself iinside of me. 1...2...3....4 times. I was screaming and crying. Begging Andrew to help me.
He just had this blank, empty look on his face.

The guy who was raping me said "he isn't gonna do shit, shut up." And as he put his hand over my mouth, he looked at his friend and said "go get her daughter...."

I started kicking and screaming, forcing myself to look over to Andrew. But he just turned around and walked away.

I saw his friend coming back with Kathleen, and kat started screaming, kicking and trying to run away.

That's when I woke up.

I laid there crying in bed, andrew didn't reach for me. It made me realize, he really isn't going to protect me forever. I have to start learning to do things for myself and on my own.

I'm scared.

Abnormal is, Normal!

So, I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, and there are lots of things I want to say.

There are all these stories in the media about people being bullied, cast aside, made fun of, or have even felt that taking their own life was the only way out.

I read someones comment of a picture of Amanda Todd's main attacker - it said something along the lines of, he was an accomplice to her murder. I agree - at least, he should get set to jail for aiding in suicide, or Assisted Suicide, which is banned in Canada.
( I will not link to this, but you can google the name. I refuse to allow any advertisement that may lead to social media spikes for the attackers of this poor young lady.)

There was another case in West Branch, Michigan where bullied high school student Whitney Kropp was voted Home Coming Queen simply because the students who bullied her rallied her to get voted as a joke.
The whole town rallied behind her and dresses, dinners, a limo and more were given to her as a congratulatory gift. I think that town is pretty amazing!! But the High School students make me sick! I hope they learned their lesson! BTW - I thnk she looked beautiful out there on the field when she was introduced!
( http://www.themarysue.com/whitney-kropp-homecoming-court/ )

These are just the two most recent events in the news.

Earlier in the month, David Hernandez of N.Y. was found dead in his family home due to an apparent suicide. There is speculation that this occurred because he was scared to come out as Gay. Whether or not this is true, we need to encourage our children to be who they are, no matter what! Show them we love and support them, no matter who they were born to be, or how they were born!

I follow a Twitter allies who calls her son "BoyChick". She refuses to push any gender bias stereotypes onto him - he has long hair until he ask for it to be cut, he plays with both dolls and trucks, he wears both pink and blue, and they try to use non-gender specific items, or words to describe him. I think its an amazing idea.


In the end, all we are worried about it this - we are all worried about our children being accepted. Be it because of their glasses, because of their weight, because they pick their nose, or because they dont like to brush their hair!

Please, if there is anything you can do to be the greatest parent in the world - it is not buying toys or clothes that they will outgrow in weeks. The greatest thing a parent can do is teach their children how to love unconditionally!

- Patty

Mommy Frustrations....

by the title of this blog you would think it was about how upset I get with the things my child does. Sure, I get annoyed when she doesn't listen, or doesn't get her home work done on time. But here are my real Mommy frustrations...

People who walk all over their kids, or use their kids as free labor.

My daughter is 9 years old - she has no business doing any of the following -
1) laundry
2) dishes
3) cooking meals for herself
4) vacuuming
5) mopping
6) caring for other family members

Now, I am just one mom, not the ruler of all moms. There are just some things I as a mother, do not want my child to do. I want to parent her, and mother her, and be the provider. I don't ever want her to feel like her worth is measured by how much she can do for me. Her worth is measured by how much I love her, and how much I show her I love and care for her.

Anyways, thats all....

Mothers, Fathers and Children alike

In the first 7 years of Kathleens life, I spent many hours making phone calls, sending e-mails, sending news letters and pictures, and trying to force her bio-dad to have a relationship with her. He wanted nothing to do with her, he rejected every invite I sent. So, I started to reach out to her Grandparents.

I come from a huge Italian based family, and my mother side isn't Italian, but they are so close that I really, REALLY wanted Kat to experience that huge family life. After feeling like a stalker, and backing off, I got an e-mail from Kats father's Girlfriend saying they wanted to come see her. yes, his GIRLFRIEND.

I thought this was all a little ploy for her to not allow me to speak to JP. Well, I had no intentions of speaking to him, I wanted nothing to do with him. I wanted to sit there and let JP and Kathleen build a relationship before she got too old.

Well, she got too old. And he never grew a heart, so he never got to know her.

Well, here we are, living in a wonderful home, with my husband, who calls Kathleen his own, and who Kathleen loves and calls Daddy.

But here is where i really get mad....

This last Tuesday (9/18/2012), I had to go to court for a finally hearing on custody of Kathleen. Who was I sitting in the court room with? JP. Well, I spilled everything - how he has never called, never visited, how he isnt around for the visits with his parents, how he is not involved with Kat's schooling, etc.

He played a good role..... The Dad who isnt allowed to be involved, the Dad who tries so hard (but has no data to back it up), the Dad who was refused to sign the Birth Certificate, the Dad who was too far away to visit when he so badly wanted to. Well, the Judge saw right through all of it, and called him out on it too. When asked why he never visits, never calls, never inquires, yet wants custody, he admitted - he doesn't, its his parents.

The bastard.

He has no idea what he is missing out on. He has no idea how amazing this little girl is! He will never know what an amazing person she is, what an amazing, HUGE heart she has!

I've talked to her about spending time with JP, and I've asked her how she feels about it. I have asked "Do you want to call and talk to him?" on Fathers day, or Christmas, or any other Holiday, and the answer is always the same - "No, thats ok." I always ask her why she doesn't want to, and her answer is always the same - "He isnt my Dad. Andrew is my Daddy. JP doesnt do daddy things, Daddy does Daddy things."

There were things said in court, by JP and comments made by his parents which I wont put here. Not only because I dont want to relive them, but I never want Kathleen to know what those things are.

Right now, I am just so happy, so blessed, and so in love with my family I have right here in my home.

Kathleen, Andrew, and Myself.

We don't need him.

LGBT rant

Andrew began working at Applebee's back in February, and it was amazing. He wasn't out to anyone at work, only his bosses knew. He was free to use the men's room, he is called Andrew at work, all male pronouns.

Well, someone outted him at work. And now, two months later, he is being told he needs to use the womans restroom.

Do these people have any idea what they are doing? Is this their way of pushing him out? They can't fire him, there isn't any grounds for it. He is a hard worker, always there when they need him. He bust his ass at work.

I wonder how the managers would feel if they were told they had to use the female wash room, seeing as how they are all men.

Im really pissed.
I don't know what to do.

Yuckies and germs

If there is one thing i hate, its getting sick.

My life revolves around this home and doing things in it. When i get sick, i cant do anything.

My OCD feels like its overflowing, and i know as soon as i feel better I'm going to lose my emotional composure and im going to lose it. I'll feel like I've lost grip of all reality.

In a perfect world, Andrew and Kat would say, "Hey, Mommy's sick, so lets clean up the house so she doesnt feel overwhelmed when she gets better." But.. Andrew works full time, and kat has school and home work. Its just not logical.

Oh but how i hope and wish that would happen lol

Remember,
You are LOVED,
Always,
The sick....
Me
:-)

Keep Sakes

Most people don’t realize that adoptions are a lifelong thing; they don’t just happen at delivery and when you sign the papers. They continue for the rest of your life, and the child’s life.

In my Project Mommy blog (http://projectgoodmom.blogspot.com/) I recently posted a blog on how to keep memories in life, and how photographs and videos just aren’t a safe or sure way to keep those memories for the rest of your life. Well, when it comes to being a BirthMother, sometimes those photographs and videos are all we have. So, we need to keep them and protect them.

When you think of family photo albums, what do you think of? Random pictures, some good, some bad, all clumped into a book that’s kept on the coffee table or book shelves? Maybe, an on-line ordered spiral bound picture book from Walgreens during the half off sale? A Scrap book you spent the weekend crate with your daughter that was put out on display on the coffee table during Christmas?

While these things are a great thing to share, a joy to show off, they aren’t safe. Let’s face it, no photograph or book is. We can do anything we want to try and keep these items safe, but the fact is, anyone could trip or loose balance, spilling coffee, wine, or soda all over the book, ruining at least some of the photos.

So, when we have photos we want to keep safe, what do we do with them? There are a few options.

DVDs. Flash drives, SD cards. But, really, we can’t put everything on these forms of storage.

And if we are being honest, photos of a child you placed for adoption will almost always be more important that your niece shoving her face into birthday cake. Hold on, this isn’t a debate on WHO is more important, it is about what objects are more important.

Well, when we place a child for adoption (open, closed, semi-open, semi-closed, inner-family) there are many moments we will miss of the child’s growing up. The photos we receive from the Adoptive Parents share those moments and memories with us. But, its not just photos, it’s the cards, the letters that come with the photos, and anything else.

After my Birthson was born I found a box from my moms job and I shoved in everything that had to do with him. Papers, folders, hospital cards, life books, scrap books, photo albums, letters to and from his parents, letters to him.

Now, I have this amazing wooden box that holds all of the important things. Things I have received, been given as a gift, or made myself. And now, I would like to share those things with you.

The box itself I got at Pat Catan’s (http://www.patcatans.com/) for only $35. It was the best buy I ever made. You can paint, stain, finish, or varnish them any way you would like, but, I liked keeping mine simple. The plan is, one day, I’ll have Keaton place his hand prints on the box with paint, but nothing more.

Inside I keep Photo Albums filled with pictures that R&H have sent me over the last 4 ½ years.

 I also have a life book I made for him, filled with photos, songs and poems that remind me of him, the paperwork and forms from the adoption

 I also have kept the items I received from both adoption agencies during the matching process

 

 And I have other cards, packs of photos, and miscellaneous things.

 While my relationship with Keaton and his parents is a good one, I still have to hold on to the memories they are willing to share with me.

 

 This box may not be a fool proof way to keep them safe – god forbid there is a house fire, my daughter, not the box, would be the first thing I grabbed – it is a way to keep them out of daily harm like spills, muggy boots, dirty fingers, etc.

There are many ways you can preserve photos and keep sakes, this just happens to be the way I keep mine. If you haven’t already, I hope this encourages you to do something for your own memories; be it that of a birth child, adopted child, grandchild, or even a special occasion. The box could be smaller than a show box, or the size of a hope chest, as long as it is special to you, that’s all that matters. 

Life Rants - pt. 1

Well, it seems like I hardly update my blog when I should, then when I do, I really don't have much to say. So, here we go. A list of things that have been going on in my life, some important, some not.

1) My Birthday

I invited everyone over, and it was pretty amazing. Everyone showed up. THAT was a shocker. Mom, Dad, Stacy (Ira, Vincent, Marc), Scott (Risa, Brandon), Mike (Mikey, Mikayla), Aunt Like, Jill (Blake), Aunt Janet (Gracie), one of Kathleen's friends and her mom were here as well, Tony and his girlfriend. And best of all, Andrew, and my best friend, Tabby. It was, amazing :-)
Tabby made me a Chocolate Strawberry swirl cake, with a big beautiful M&M on top :-) And I got a Ice Cream Cake from DQ for Grandma. It was Beautiful, a 10" round cake, with four beautiful blue butterflies on top - one for me, one for Mom, one for Aunt Janet, and one for Aunt Liz. I cried, it took me maybe 90 seconds to stop crying and blow out the candles. I cried because I missed her, I cried because the family was together and she was missing, I cried because I could just picture her and Papa dancing together across a clouded ball room floor. But, in the end, I loved every minute of it, because I shared it with a house full of family; all who I love so very much!

2) Work Out Class

I started going to work out class with my friend Tabby. But, I only did it for a month. I wish I could have kept going, but, I just don't have the money. Its only $20 a month, but thats $20 we could use on the light bill. Its hard with only one income. But, I started doing the Wii Fit again today, lately I have been doing the Bob Harper DVDs, which I LOVE.
I had 1 - 5lb weight, and 1 - 3lb weight. I couldn't afford to get two of each, so I just got one of each and switched it up. But, Tabby got me a match for them for my birthday. AWESOME!!! I was so excited for that.
I really need to start working out every day. And that's what I plan to do, starting today. Its Sunday, March 11, 2012. Seems like a pretty good day to start a new way of life :-)
I changed the way I eat the first of the year, but I haven't seen much change. I did lose some weight (I'll be honest, I went from 327 to 312, then down to 309), but when I started the new meds (next segment) my activity decreased so much, I was so tired ALL the time, that I went up to 316, and now I'm at 318. I am sick to my stomach over my weight. I keep changing the way I eat, but it doesn't seem to help much.
I log everything, but some days I only take in (after exercise) less than 1000 calories.
I am going to see a nutritionist this month.

3) New Meds

Well, they started me on Seriquil and I am so tired, all the time. I hate the way it makes me feel. I went from exercising every day, to maybe 3-4 times a week. It made me feel like I was losing my mind. Then after a week of being on them, I was only exercising when I went to class (twice a week), and that killed me. I gained 2 lbs in 3 weeks. I was PISSED.
I am still on it, but its not as bad, and to be honest, I dont take it every day. I'm scared to. Im scared that im going to die, in my sleep. Why so dramatic? Because Im sick of being this big, I started fixing it, and now I feel liek this medication is puting a brick wall in front of me. Yea, I get enough energy to kick it once in a while, but I need to get enough in me to kick the G-d Damn thing down!!

4) Keaton

*sigh* I miss him so much :-(
I got an e-mail from his Mommy (R). Its weird, you know. I never got e-mails from her, they were always from his Momma (H). But she sent me a picture of him from the local news paper - so cute!! Of course, he is mine :-)
I often think of how different he would act if I had raised him.
Part of me thinks that he really isnt a part of me because he is so completely different. Part of me feels guilty, wondering if people (his parents) will ever think he is better than Kat & Alex.
In any right, it was nice hearing from her, it was the first time since October.

5) Alex

I miss him, I miss him more then I miss Keaton. He IS a part of my soul that I cant give up on. His father tries to keep us apart, I know he does, but I wont give up. I want him here so bad, but I would never take him from his father. I want to visit with him, and spend time with him, but I cant, and I hate that.

6) SSI

I go to court May 8th. I am not really sure how things are going to go, but I pray that after this long, long wait, that something goes in our favor. I've tried getting a job, I've tried finding work, but my anxiety - whats the use explaining? Most people don't understand, and they dont want to. They think "Its easy for me, it should be easy for you" But I'm not them, you know? Im not them, I am me. I never would have asked to be this way, I ask daily to be a different way.

7) OCD

Its been slowly taking over everything in my life. The cleaning, the cooking, the company. Everything has to be perfect, or it has to be thrown out.
I dont even know how to explain it. I've had it, but not like this, for some time. When I was younger (early 20's) I was told it was just a form of being Manic. But then it started at night, after everyone went to bed, I would get up and lock the back door again (once for every person in the house), then the front, (again, once for each person), then the back again (same), and front again (same). I would listen for Dad to go to bed till I did this. Then, when Andrew and I moved in together, it started all over again. But then the locking stopped, and I started doing other things. Now, it comes out in cleaning, and cooking, and other things. If it cant be perfect, then whats the point? Thats how I feel anyways. And it kills me.

Well, thats pretty much it for right now.

Guess I'll catch up soon :-)

Why do i sit here...

I honestly hate the fact that I have so few request, so few things I ask for, "Please don't leave your dirty clothes in the living room...", "Please put the clothes in the dryer...." "Please put the garbage out..." "Please pick up garbage bags that aren't cheep..."

Why do I not even get that?

Empty

I keep coming back, thinking if I write and write that there is something inside of me that will come out and then 


I'll be ok and all better, but its not working. 

I cant deal with this life anymore. I sit there and my anger, and my crying, and my depression, its fucking consuming me and Ic ant deal with it anymore. I just want to drag nails down my skin to make the pain inside go away. 

I sit here and the shit just starts and IC ant make it stop. I've been crying for over an hour and I cant make it stop. it just keeps going and going. And I'm sick of feeling like I'm all alone. I'm sick of feeling like no matter what 

I cant be happy. I try all these damn pills and all these damn cocktails to try and fix me, BUT NOTHING WORKS!!!

I am sick of being this way. 

I dont smoke pot anymore, I dont drink anymore, I cant pretend like everything is ok anymore. 

I cant sit here day in and day out and feel like my head is going to explode. but I do. because I dont have any other choice. I dont have a choice because I dont have anymore to go to. I am so fucking alone. I live in a house with my daughter who I SUCK at mothering, and a guy who I am marrying but feel so fucking distant from because of shit that happened almost a year ago. 

I feel like im locked up in this house because I am scared to leave the house. And when I do leave the house I am always scared of what is going to happen. People say stick it out and it will be fine, but it wont. They dont understand. 

They say just push and keep positive but I cant!!! I do it and it goes wrong, and then I feel worse!!

YOU DONT KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE UNTIL YOU HAVE LIVED LIKE THIS.

And I am sick of living like this. I dont want tof eel like this anymore. I want to be normal. I want to be able to leave the house by myself and be able to be around people without wondering what everyone is thinking, and what they will say if i walk away from the table. And wondering what Andrew is doing when im not around, or who he is talking to. And im sick of being scared that I'm never going to be good enough, that im not ever going to be good enough to be loved by anymore.

I dont feel like my family loves me, i dont feel like my family wants me. Nate drives a wedge between Alex and I, and I dont even know what either of my son's favorite color is. I am sick being this piece of shit person. 

Have you ever heard that song "end of the World" by Skeeter Davis? Thats how I feel right now. Thats how I feel when im sitting at home alone, always checking my phone to see if someone has text or called to talk to me. to see if someone has sent me an e-mail or messaged me to see how my day is going. 

I feel like my world is falling apart around me. But I've almost always felt like this. But these last 3 years, its just been getting worse, and worse, and worse. It started before I even started dating Heather, and then she just made me feel like this shit on the bottom of her shoe unless I was handing her money. 

then I lost my job, and it made me feel like I just wasnt important enough. 

And sometimes, I sit here on my couch and wonder if I am important enough. I sit here and wonder what the hell I'm doing anyways. Sometimes I sit here and think - even if I was gone it wouldn't matter. Even if I was dead no one would notice. I would just be that one who wasnt bothering them anymore. 

And the fucked up thing is, I wanna stay alive just to spite them, not because I want to be here, not because IW ant to get better. In all honesty, I want to hurt them the way they hurt me, and the only way I can figure to do that is to stay alive and make them notice me, make them admit that they are related to me. 

Force my mother to admit that she is my mother - Force my father to admit that I am his child. 

But I cant force myself to be happy. I cant be happy. 

I can pretend to be happy. I can take pills to make myself feel normal. But they dont last, and they dont make me better, they just mask what is there. They make me feel like im lying to myself, and everyone else. 

I sit there almost every night and I cry and cry and cry untill my head and neck hurt, and I cant breath. But the next day I can walk ingot Ginny's office and tell her everything has been great. why? Because I'm scared for people to know the truth. I'm scared people will find out that I dont belong in this house.

If people knew how much I cut, how much I took more Clonapin than I should, they would put me in the hospital. 

I punch door frames, I bang my wrist and arms, I cut and stab, because I want my physical pain to over shadow the emotional pain that is slowly killing me. 

I want so bad to lay down and close my eyes and just see my Grandma, and slowly fade into death. I Feel like it would make it so much easier for everyone. 

I want so bad to just leave everyone. But I cant leave my daughter. I fear what would happen to her if I were gone. But I fear whats going to happen to her with everything she see's from me. 

She see's Mommy crying all the time. All the time. She always wants to make me better, always asking me whats wrong. But I cant answer her, because I dont know. I start crying for no reason, and then a million reasons flood into my mind why I should keep crying. 

If it werent for my daughter I would be dead already. She is the only thing that keeps me alive. But some days, I just think she might be better off somewhere that is not near me. I am scared of what willo happen to her. 

I dont want her to grow up and be a wreck like I am. I dont want her to think any of this is her fault.

Then other days, I think, maybe she wouldnt even remember. Maybe if I died, she wouldnt remember it in a few years, maybe she really would be better off. 

This is a daily fight for me. I had to write it down, because I never admit it. I never tell anyone, because I am scared to. 

at leats 2-3 times a week I sit here and think I need to get into the hospital, but I have no one to take care of Kat, so I cant. 

Even if Andrew worked a mid-shift, he wouldn't get home in time for Kat. And no one in my family would help him. I just dont know what to do anymore. I feel like im losing my mind, and one day, I know I'm going to snap, and I'm not going to be able to come back from it. I dont know what to do, and Im scared. Im scared for my life. 

Wedding Bell Blues

I used ot think that a wedding was supposed to be a fun, joyful, exciting time of your life. When all the family got together, and danced, ate, sang, laughed, and had fun. Yea, maybe not so much. 

Right now, I'm crying, and wanting to pull my hair out, and all I really want to do is talk to someone about it but I've lost my voice from crying.

I made the decision after calculating everything to just go with the Italian American Club. Its only a little bit more, and we wont have to worry about what to do with all the stuff after the wedding. 

But it sucks. It really sucks doing this on my own. I want my mom to be there to walk me through it, to help me make these decisions, to help me pick and chose what to do, where to go, and how to make my hair. But I dont have that. I feel like I'm isolated, and alone. 

I really want to sit back and just say, "Ok, now I can just worry about me." But I cant, because this isn't a cook out, or a family dinner , its a wedding and a reception. a WEDDING. So why doesnt it feel that way? Why does it feel like its a big pile of nothing??

Why do I sit here every single day crying my eyes out? Why do I sit here and wonder why the hell I'm on the outside looking in?

And its not just this wedding, its everything. 

I feel like I'm not a part of this family anymore. I feel like I'm the unwanted child who is slowly being pushed away and disappearing into nothing. 

It ain't easy being me

Sometimes its hard being who I am. 

It sucks.

I have so many ups & downs, and my days are a mix of emotions. I wish I could change them, and make it different. 

Some times I wake up and Im in a great mood, but then not too long after waking up, my mood shifts and im depressed, or angry. 

Other days I Wake up and im depressed or upset right off the bat. There is no changing once that happens. 

Sometimes I wonder what I need to do to be happy. I do the meds, I do the therapy, I do the counseling, but nothing helps. 

I just want change. I want to be normal. I want to be sane again. I say again, but I dont even know when the last time was. 

I dont even know what I'm saying anymore, I just want to be happy.

Bandages to Bandaids

Lets be honest, it hasnt been that long since I cut. I can still see the perminant scare on my upper arm there I used the sharp tweesers to carve into myskin until I bled.

But last night was one of those times when I knew it "had to happen". People who dont understand real cutters will never understand what it means to "have to". Just like an alcoholic, or drug addiction, its something that releases into your body and calms you down. 

I dont remember the last time I felt as bad as I did last night. I wes begging Andrew to give me permission to off myself. I wanted to die so bad. I wanted to stop this feeling that was boiling inside of me. 

I was supposed to go out with my best friend, and as the time got closer, I started freaking out about everything. I had already been in bed depressed all day, but then I started thinking about how I would prolly just ruin her night, and how Kat would irritate everyone if she wasnt having fun. How I would just be sitting there depressed. 

But inside was this huge part that just wanted her to come over and make me go and get out of this house. But she just stop texting me. I told her I was just going to stay home and I would text her tomorrow (today), and then she made a status on FB about how people are pissing her off. 

This is why I dont get close to people. Because at some point, no matter how open I am with them about my depression, it drives a wedge between us. 

Now im questioning this wedding stuff. 

I want my wedding day to be filled with family, not just a few friends. 

I am scared of what will happen if we go through all of this, and none of my family shows up. Then how will I feel? 

I'll feel like shit. 

I dont know what to do anymore...

Love is not Enough

Thats right, and it pisses me off. 

First, let me say, that there is nothing that happened between the time I was born until I had my first girlfriend that fliped the "Gay" switch on inside of me. There is no switch. God created me this way before he even placed me into my mother womb. So before you say I need to pray the gay away, maybe you should try to pray your ignorance away. 

I have a few things IW ant to say, and then this whole topic is going to be dropped for good!!

1) ANDREW IS NOT A WOMAN- he was born in the wrong body. I understand that this does not make sense to some of you, and there for your are not willing to try and understand it, but expanding your compassion and heart doesn't mean you HAVE to expand your mind. It just means that you wil soon see your way of thinking that were once "logical" will no longer make sense to you. 

2) I AM NOT A LESBIAN - I have dated men, and women. I just happened to fall in love with a MAN who was born in the wrong body. What he and I do at night is NONE OF YOUR G-D DAMN BUSINESS!!! And if your so stuck on thinking about it, then maybe YOUR the one who is scared to come out. I dont look at people and wonder how they have sex, I would appreciate it if you not look at me and mine and wonder. 

3) OUR LOVE IS JUST AS IMPORTANT AS ANYONE ELSE - Dont you ever, I dont give a shit WHO you are, expect me, for one more second, to pretend that I am not in love with this Man that God gave me by my side. Dont you DARE expect me to not hug him, kiss him, or cuddle next to him just because it makes YOU uncomfortable. THIS is my damn house, this is MY life, this is MY LOVE. YOU dont get to control that. 

4) OUR LIFE IS NOT UP FOR DISCUSSION - Andrew's body parts are nto going to be a topic of choice when he is not around. If you have questions ASK HIM!!! If you want to know how I can love someone "like him", I will ask you in return how you can love someone like your spouse or s/o.

5) GOD MADE ME THIS WAY BECAUSE I AM HIS CHILD!!!!! - Don't you dare, for a second, tell me I am living my life wrong. People made3 me believegetting baptized would "wash the gay away". Are you kidding me? Worst part was I believe them! Being baptized didnt wash anything away because IW as made JUST HOW GOD WANTS ME, not how YOU want me!! There are many people in my life I wish werent born the way they were, but guess what? God made them that way for a reason - be it an asshole, bitchy, rude, or just down right mean. And there are others in my life I love and adore and wish God had created more of. Understanding, loving, and holding God's word of unconditional love to the fullest extent

6) IF YOU CANNOT ACCEPT MY LOVE THEN DO NOT COME TO MY HOUSE - If I want to kiss Andrew, I will! If I want to hug him, I WILL!! If I want to hold his hand, I WILL!! Being able to look past someones body and loving their mind doesn't mean I have to hide it if it doesnt match what Society wants. Your my FAMILY. I'm starting to wonder if anyone even knows what that means anymore. It doesnt mean to invite me over to your house for a sleep over and bonding time only for you to dismiss the relationship I have. IF YOU CANT ACCEPT US BOTH, THEN YOU CANT ACCEPT ANY OF US!!

ANDREW IS A PART OF ME, HE IS THE OTHER HALF TO MY LIFE, AND HE ALWAYS WILL BE. NO ONE IS PERFECT, NO ONE IS ASKING FOR YOU TO DATE HIM, NO ONE IS ASKING YOU TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE LIKE HIM. MY RELATIONSHIP DOES NOT INFLUENCE OTHERS TO BE GAY. IT INFLUENCES OTHERS TO BE PROUD OF WHO THEY ARE AND NOT HIDE BECAUSE THEY ARE SCARED OF WHAT THEIR PARENT MIGHT SAY. 

I love my family, but Andrew is the head of my family now, and nothing is going to change that. I am sure I will lose a lot of people over this, but im ready for that now. I was not ready for that before. We are going to exchange vows in a "commitment" Marriage Ceremony, and our true family and friends will attend. Those who dont attend because they dont "believe its right" will no longer need to worry about what is right or wrong in our life anymore. Because I will NOT life my life ot please everyone else. I will NOT worry about what every one else says. I am just as much of a right to be happy as everyone else in this world. My love is NOT hurting anyone, my love is NOT causing anyone pain or harm. My love is not whats making you uncomfortable, dig deep sweety, because there is something inside of you that is doing that, it has NOTHING to do with me. 

Wedding Blog #1

So, I came across this lweb site called Wedding Wire. I love it!! 

It breaks down your budget, gives you a place to put your guest list with addresses, it gives you a web site where you can post info, pictures, registry info, etc. 

The other thing I love, is that it gives us a count down. As of today, we have 79 days left. OMG....

I still have not told Alex's father, as much as I want him in the wedding, I dont think it will happen. But I want it to a lot. 

I also really want Gracie (my cousin that im closest to) as the Jr. Maid of Honor. But, sadly, I dont know if that will happen either. But I'm hoping it will. 

This Sunday we are going to get together with some friends and family to talk about the basics, so I can figure out what I need to be doing, and dont need to be doing right now. 

I also need to figure out a wedding hall/location. 

We found a couple, but we are trying to figure out prices.

The Italian American Club is always my family's first choice - the price is $16.50 a person

The Knights of Columbus is second - $270 for the day, full use of the kitchen

The American Legions is third - $45 an hour, $100 deposit, $50 clean up fee, and use of kitchen, plus 10 bags of ice, and $1 for every bag after that

So, lets figure, if we have 130 people, we are going to spend about $1300 on food and drink, plus $270-$400 for the hall rental, plus $150 on paper and plastic products - im already at almost $1900 after tax. 

I'm really lost and don't know what to do. I think people would be more willing to offer their time if I needed them to help cook, but it would still cost more. The problem is, it would just cost less all together if we had it at the Italian American Club. 

Also, we found a minister who is willing to marry us there on that Sunday so my family and Friends can be present. Im so happy for that. We meet with him on the 19th for our first session. 

We also found a photographer who is willing to do the ceremony, reception, and some couples photos for $250. She wont print them out, just put them on a CD so we can pick and chose which ones we want.

We still haven't found a DJ, bit I did e-mail my cousin Pat. I just havent heard anything back yet. 

This Sunday my Mom, M.o.H. and very close family friend Chris is coming over to help us start narrowing down or "wants" and "don't wants" and also so start making some decisions on finances, and reception ideas. 

All I have so far, is that my wedding colors are Red, Black, and White.

In no way do I plan on this being a traditional "wedding" First of all, this f***ing government wont allow Andrew and I to marry legally yet, so this is a commitment ceremony. I guess it just makes me feel better to call it a wedding, because we have always been "man and woman" "Andrew and Patty". But, I know a lot of people don't support that, and its fine, they don't have to come.  

My brother made a few nasty comments on my sisters page, and it really hurt, he honestly had me in tears. But, in the end, I don't care. I will send a invite to my Mom's house, but not to his. I am not sure I Want him there to make nasty comments or ruin my day. And he has always been the one to start the comments that are hurtful. 

Having my brother there isn't an issue that hurts or bothers me, but the next thing I have to rant about IS.

I'm not sure if my father is coming, but right now, I am just prepared that he wont be there. I may be one of his children, but for his own reasons, I am below the others. And that hurts a lot. Because this is my day, and more than anything, I want to share it with him there. 

Now, onto what boils my blood. I hoe he doesnt get upset for me making this public, but yesterday I went on an emotional roller coaster, from Happy, to nervous, to upset, to pissed, to angry, to sad. 

Andrews Mother, just about every chance she gets, vocalizes how much she is against this marriage, and against this union, and I'm sure against this relationship. I have tried over and over and over again, to kiss her ass, but i'm done. I have no use or need for someone who causes un-needed negativity in my life or my spouses life. She may be Andrews parent, but she is not Mine. Unless she shows up to that Sunday, or has some change of heart, 

I will no longer have anything to do with her. 

Thats very hard for me to say, because the Buddhist in me wants to smooth everything over, destress the situation, and remove the suffering for everyone. But now my family is involved, and it is effecting our home. And this is where I have to say "I need to remove myself from this situation because it is not in my power to control it." What else is there I can do? Nothing. I just wish she could see how hurtful her words are to Andrew, and how much she is causing stress with us. And the worst part about it is, Kathleen still wants to go see them when 

Andrew goes, mostly to play with the dog, but she asked me if they are going to be her Grandparents when Daddy and I get married. Well, yes, they will be, but you wont have a relationship with them. HOW DO I SAY THAT TO A CHILD?!?! She doesn't need to know whats going on. But she does know. She hears them on the phone, and she ask me, "Why cant they just love Daddy like we do?" Baby girl, that is not a question I have the ability to answer...

Anyways, this is all the wedding crap I am dealing with. Except for one last thing....

A wedding shower. 

Let me be honest, I have seen people who already live together, have everything they need, and still register for a Wedding Gift Registry and have a Wedding Shower. I'll be honest, I thought it was kind of tacky. Well, then I started thinking. 

You know, Andrew and I started living together in 2009 - he proposed in Feb of 2010, but it was not received happily by my family. We started our life together with lots of old used things, and less than a handful of things are new. Everything was gifted to us second-hand by people who no longer needed it, or knew we didnt have it, etc. And I thought, look, if people want to buy us gifts, fine. But I want them practical, and useful. So, I did a registry and added things like Bake ware, Measuring cups and spoons, cookware, glasses, a Keurig (praying I get that!!!), Photo Frames, a Wicker Chest for the living room that we can put the blankets in, some serving bowels, some sheets, pillows. I just thought, here is a list of cheaper things that, if they want to bring a gift but dont know what, then here are some suggestions. Nothing expensive, but everything practical. 

So, we registered at Target and Bed, Bath & Beyond. Two of my most loved stores 

Well, as things change or come up, I will post. I am just so excited about the wedding that I want to post everything, but I dont want to get on peoples nerves about it lol.

Weddings & Other Things

So, I'm trying to get this wedding stuff together, and I'm not sure I can. 

I feel like im over stressing about something that isn't as important to others as it is to me. I guess once I get the RSVP's back, I will know where to go from there. But, as of right now, I'm thinking maybe only 50-75 people will be coming. 

I thought with tax return and Andrews raise we could spend maybe $2,500 on the wedding. I got a place (The Italian American Club) who can do exactly what we want for $16.50 a plate, but, if there are only going to be like 50 people there, whats the point in booking a hall. 

Well, Sunday a family friend Chris is coming over, and so is my Mom and my sister and my best friend Tabby. 

Its hard - the more I try to get excited, the  more I hear all those people from my past telling me how this relationship "isn't right". I hear all these people in my head saying "Oh Patty, you didn't really think we would come did you? Andrew isn't even a real man! How can  you marry him?". I know, causing panic attacks and anxiety that really isn't needed right now. 

I don't know that what I do in my life has ever been important, or as important as the other three kids. 

I just really want my family to celebrate this with me. 

I would like to find a minister who is willing to administer vows with Andrew and I at the reception so that my family can be there. But, to be honest, I dont even know that the family WILL all be there. 

Time will tell. 

I hope it tells a good story....

2012 - Changes??

Well, Andrew and I have decided to take part in the Marriage ceremonies in Downtown Cleveland, Ohio March 24th, 2012. 

I feel like this should be an amazing night, an amazing event, a great, blessed time. But I am starting to feel scared that it wont be. 

I want so bad to share this with my family. But, while they know Andrew as Andrew, and use the proper pronouns, in their eyes, he is still Transgender, and is biologically a female. This hurts my heart. It hurts me because, we have been engaged since February 2010, but how our families have or have not accepted our relationship has caused a lot of stress and tension between us. 

I want my family to be excited with me, I want them to celebrate with us, and dance with us, and smile with us, and cry with us, and celebrate our love with us. I want my Father to be there, but I know he wont be. I want my Mother, my aunts, my Brothers, my Sister, my niece, my nephews, my sons, my cousins - I want them all there to celebrate with us. But while I slowly watch our friends fill up the "accepted" tab on the Reception Invite, and watch my family slowly fill up the "declined" list, my heart sinks. 

Does gender cause this wedge? Does what is between a persons legs really tell us if love is right or wrong?

This is NOT about religion, Im sorry. No matter how much anyone wants it to be, its not. 

Its about Andrew and I, and how much we love each other. Its about wanting to commit ourselves to each other for life. If Andrew was born as a male, then I dont doubt all of my family would show up to a church for a wedding. But this - this is what causes the wedge?

I'm prepping myself - to pay for everything, to do everything, to get dressed without my mom there, to say "I do" with none of my family standing by my side - to cook all the food by myself while Andrew works the morning shift, to bake cupcakes to fill a cupcake tower - because a wedding cake just isn't something we can budget even on the best of days. 

I want so bad to wake up tomorrow and see everyone support us the way they would if Andrew was born male. I want everyone to look at us and see our love, and see our family, not what is under our clothes. 

Either way, I know in my heart, this is the right thing. I just hope, pray, and hope and pray, that BOTH of our families will share this with us. I don't want to do this on our own. This isn't just some dinner party. Its a wedding reception. No matter if Ohio see's this marriage as legal or not - in our hearts it is real. I only hope my family will see it the same way. 

Its been over two years - its time that we take the next step.