Bandages to Bandaids

Lets be honest, it hasnt been that long since I cut. I can still see the perminant scare on my upper arm there I used the sharp tweesers to carve into myskin until I bled.

But last night was one of those times when I knew it "had to happen". People who dont understand real cutters will never understand what it means to "have to". Just like an alcoholic, or drug addiction, its something that releases into your body and calms you down. 

I dont remember the last time I felt as bad as I did last night. I wes begging Andrew to give me permission to off myself. I wanted to die so bad. I wanted to stop this feeling that was boiling inside of me. 

I was supposed to go out with my best friend, and as the time got closer, I started freaking out about everything. I had already been in bed depressed all day, but then I started thinking about how I would prolly just ruin her night, and how Kat would irritate everyone if she wasnt having fun. How I would just be sitting there depressed. 

But inside was this huge part that just wanted her to come over and make me go and get out of this house. But she just stop texting me. I told her I was just going to stay home and I would text her tomorrow (today), and then she made a status on FB about how people are pissing her off. 

This is why I dont get close to people. Because at some point, no matter how open I am with them about my depression, it drives a wedge between us. 

Now im questioning this wedding stuff. 

I want my wedding day to be filled with family, not just a few friends. 

I am scared of what will happen if we go through all of this, and none of my family shows up. Then how will I feel? 

I'll feel like shit. 

I dont know what to do anymore...