sometimes I don't think people realize how hard it is to deal with depression. its like everyday somebody wants to criticize my actions are what I can or can't do.
I'd give anything to be able to get out of bed and work a normal job like everybody else my family didn't have to suffer.
but reality is that I can't and I've tried I've tried so hard that I don't even know what to do anymore.
some days I just want to lay here in bed and cry myself back to sleep. it's almost one o'clock and I haven't even gotten outta bed yet.
Friday, February 21, 2014
Blah
Saturday, April 13, 2013
Two way street, or one way road?
I always thought people in a relationship should be equal.
I always imagined someone treating me the same way I treated them.
Then I fell in love.
I realized, when you love someone, they can treat you any way they want, because in the end, you make any excuse there is to keep them around.
Being dependent on someone - thats an excuse for both sides.
On the dependent side - they cant live with out the other.
On the provider side - they can keep the other around by reminding them they have no where else to go, no one else who wants them, and no way to survive without them.
I'm starting to feel like thats where my life is headed.
I feel like I am locked in this box and I have no way out.
I can't deal with these things any more. Its so hard to be the person who gives, gives gives emotionally and mentally, and still be told I'm not good enough.
Sometimes, I sit here and wonder, "How can two people love each other, but have so completely different ways of showing it."
Then I think, maybe its not love.
Maybe he doesn't love me. Maybe he is just scared to be alone.
It seems like every time we do this, I threaten to leave (even though, lets me honest, by now he knows he can treat me any way he wants, and I am never going to be able to leave), and he says sorry.
I sit here sometimes and wonder - does he love me, or does he love the idea of being a "typical man".
The wife, the child, the provider, the worker, the aggressor.
Is his ideal woman someone who lets him walk all over her, treat her like crap, and still serve his lunch just the way he likes it?
I used to be so stong, I used to fight for someone to treat me the right way.
Now, I don't know what I'm fighting for anymore.
Some days I love him and feel like I can't live without him, other days I wonder how much longer I'm going ot survive in this home.
Some days the emotional abuse is so hard, I would rather he hit me.
This week started off with Kat being sick and getting sent home from school. Now I'm sick. I've been sick for a couple days.
But I've learned something- when I'm sick, no one needs to see it. Because when he does, its one of two extremes. 1)He wants to basicly take care of me to the point where I feel smothered, or 2) He gets mad because I cant take care of everything and he has to.
Which, he doesnt.
I started getting worse yesterday - my chest hurt, my ribs hurt, my nose, throat, stomach...
I stood at the sink trying to hide the fact that I felt like I was going to fall over.
He looked at me and said, "Go to bed, this will all be here tomorrow, you can do it then."
(Ever see that comic on FaceBook where the blond lady is smacking the man across the face saying, "No, you go make me a sandwich!"" Yea, thats how I felt!)
I thought, why does it have to be here tomorrow? Can't you see how sick I am? Why can't you do it?
I guess my attitude shown through, because later on he did the dishes - most of them.
Last night, I took a bath for over an hour because I felt so horrible. But the hot bath felt so good.
When he takes a bath, I check on him, make sure he has a drink, book, etc... That's me.
But not him... he doesn't do those things. He used to - in the beginning. But not anymore.
Sometimes I feel like he came in, swooped me up, protected me, loved me, cared for me, and as soon as he knew I had no other means of life outside of our relationship, he started to show the real him.
The attitude, the snapping, and other things too.....
It wasnt until a few months in I found out he had been in jail for DV. I don't know that knowing it would have leaned me one way or another - he seemed so sweet.
If only I knew then what I know now.
This morning, I didnt fall asleep until 630am (about), and then got woke up at 830, 930, and 1030. Finally Andrew got up to go to the bathroom, and when he was done so did I. But before he got up, he said "Get some sleep baby. Go back to bed."
Ok, great, I would love to! I'm exhausted.
I go to the bathroom, then back to the bedroom - and he is sitting up in bed watching TV.
Um, I thought you just told me to go back to bed? How am I going to sleep with the TV running?
So there I lay, hoping to pass out...But, nothing.
So I sit up, and tell him I'm going to get out of bed.
Well, there you have it "I'm going to get up." The deadliest words of the day.
His attitude jumps into over drive, and he gets up, starts snapping at me, and runs around the house with an attitude cleaning, telling me ot just lay there, just go back to bed, no one is in there to bother me any more. I can just shut the TV off and be alone.
I sat there crying for what seemed like an hour.
Called my mom, trying to get a hold of her - I just wanted to run away and go to her house. But they were leaning. I was crying. She kept asking me what was wrong - but truth is, I'm too embarissed to tell her.
How can I tell my mom this is what my life is like?
The worst partis - if the slightest thing happens between Andrew and I, he is running to tell his Mom. They talk, literally, every single day.
They got into a fight once because he didnt play Words with Friends and check in one day. Seriously?
He doesn't see it - but he is so much like her, yet he talks about how much he hates her sometimes. They fight, she makes him feel like garbage, I clean up her mess, and he runs back to her.
Kind of feels like I am the "other woman" in his mom and he;s relationship.
I just needed to get this off my chest.
I always imagined someone treating me the same way I treated them.
Then I fell in love.
I realized, when you love someone, they can treat you any way they want, because in the end, you make any excuse there is to keep them around.
Being dependent on someone - thats an excuse for both sides.
On the dependent side - they cant live with out the other.
On the provider side - they can keep the other around by reminding them they have no where else to go, no one else who wants them, and no way to survive without them.
I'm starting to feel like thats where my life is headed.
I feel like I am locked in this box and I have no way out.
I can't deal with these things any more. Its so hard to be the person who gives, gives gives emotionally and mentally, and still be told I'm not good enough.
Sometimes, I sit here and wonder, "How can two people love each other, but have so completely different ways of showing it."
Then I think, maybe its not love.
Maybe he doesn't love me. Maybe he is just scared to be alone.
It seems like every time we do this, I threaten to leave (even though, lets me honest, by now he knows he can treat me any way he wants, and I am never going to be able to leave), and he says sorry.
I sit here sometimes and wonder - does he love me, or does he love the idea of being a "typical man".
The wife, the child, the provider, the worker, the aggressor.
Is his ideal woman someone who lets him walk all over her, treat her like crap, and still serve his lunch just the way he likes it?
I used to be so stong, I used to fight for someone to treat me the right way.
Now, I don't know what I'm fighting for anymore.
Some days I love him and feel like I can't live without him, other days I wonder how much longer I'm going ot survive in this home.
Some days the emotional abuse is so hard, I would rather he hit me.
This week started off with Kat being sick and getting sent home from school. Now I'm sick. I've been sick for a couple days.
But I've learned something- when I'm sick, no one needs to see it. Because when he does, its one of two extremes. 1)He wants to basicly take care of me to the point where I feel smothered, or 2) He gets mad because I cant take care of everything and he has to.
Which, he doesnt.
I started getting worse yesterday - my chest hurt, my ribs hurt, my nose, throat, stomach...
I stood at the sink trying to hide the fact that I felt like I was going to fall over.
He looked at me and said, "Go to bed, this will all be here tomorrow, you can do it then."
(Ever see that comic on FaceBook where the blond lady is smacking the man across the face saying, "No, you go make me a sandwich!"" Yea, thats how I felt!)
I thought, why does it have to be here tomorrow? Can't you see how sick I am? Why can't you do it?
I guess my attitude shown through, because later on he did the dishes - most of them.
Last night, I took a bath for over an hour because I felt so horrible. But the hot bath felt so good.
When he takes a bath, I check on him, make sure he has a drink, book, etc... That's me.
But not him... he doesn't do those things. He used to - in the beginning. But not anymore.
Sometimes I feel like he came in, swooped me up, protected me, loved me, cared for me, and as soon as he knew I had no other means of life outside of our relationship, he started to show the real him.
The attitude, the snapping, and other things too.....
It wasnt until a few months in I found out he had been in jail for DV. I don't know that knowing it would have leaned me one way or another - he seemed so sweet.
If only I knew then what I know now.
This morning, I didnt fall asleep until 630am (about), and then got woke up at 830, 930, and 1030. Finally Andrew got up to go to the bathroom, and when he was done so did I. But before he got up, he said "Get some sleep baby. Go back to bed."
Ok, great, I would love to! I'm exhausted.
I go to the bathroom, then back to the bedroom - and he is sitting up in bed watching TV.
Um, I thought you just told me to go back to bed? How am I going to sleep with the TV running?
So there I lay, hoping to pass out...But, nothing.
So I sit up, and tell him I'm going to get out of bed.
Well, there you have it "I'm going to get up." The deadliest words of the day.
His attitude jumps into over drive, and he gets up, starts snapping at me, and runs around the house with an attitude cleaning, telling me ot just lay there, just go back to bed, no one is in there to bother me any more. I can just shut the TV off and be alone.
I sat there crying for what seemed like an hour.
Called my mom, trying to get a hold of her - I just wanted to run away and go to her house. But they were leaning. I was crying. She kept asking me what was wrong - but truth is, I'm too embarissed to tell her.
How can I tell my mom this is what my life is like?
The worst partis - if the slightest thing happens between Andrew and I, he is running to tell his Mom. They talk, literally, every single day.
They got into a fight once because he didnt play Words with Friends and check in one day. Seriously?
He doesn't see it - but he is so much like her, yet he talks about how much he hates her sometimes. They fight, she makes him feel like garbage, I clean up her mess, and he runs back to her.
Kind of feels like I am the "other woman" in his mom and he;s relationship.
I just needed to get this off my chest.
Monday, February 4, 2013
Why are mornings to hard??
Every morning seems to get harder and harder.
I feel like I'm getting walked all over - by a 10 year old!
I tell her time and time again, PLEASE PLEASE get your things ready for school. She walks away for 20 minutes, come back, and tells me she did it. I trust her, or I peek in, see her back pack on top of school stuff, and assume its all there.
This morning, she is getting ready...
no boots
no gloves
no scarf
no hat
She had 4 pairs of gloves
she has 2 pairs of boots (one was missing, the other was wet from snow yesterday)
no scarf (she has 2 and a home made one)
no hat (again, three, two home made)
Then, I told her all day yesterday, go get your clothes from the dryer. She kept saying, "ok, ok, ok" But yet, this morning, she leaves in 20* weather wearing leggings and a skort. Why? Because her school clothes are dirty on the bathroom floor, and any school clothes that ARE clean are still in the dryer.
At what age do I make her suffer for not taking care of her responsibilities??
I feel like I'm getting walked all over - by a 10 year old!
I tell her time and time again, PLEASE PLEASE get your things ready for school. She walks away for 20 minutes, come back, and tells me she did it. I trust her, or I peek in, see her back pack on top of school stuff, and assume its all there.
This morning, she is getting ready...
no boots
no gloves
no scarf
no hat
She had 4 pairs of gloves
she has 2 pairs of boots (one was missing, the other was wet from snow yesterday)
no scarf (she has 2 and a home made one)
no hat (again, three, two home made)
Then, I told her all day yesterday, go get your clothes from the dryer. She kept saying, "ok, ok, ok" But yet, this morning, she leaves in 20* weather wearing leggings and a skort. Why? Because her school clothes are dirty on the bathroom floor, and any school clothes that ARE clean are still in the dryer.
At what age do I make her suffer for not taking care of her responsibilities??
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Just me, myself, and everything else
I'm not hard wired like everyone else.
Yes, I'm human - but my brain doesn't work like everyone else's.
Here's the deal -
as someone who has a harder time processing emotions and feelings, I have to decide to either a - realize im not normal, and deal with my emotions as they come, or b - force myself to conform to what everyone else thinks I should be, and let everything bottle up and kill my from the inside out.
I'll choose A.
Tonight - sleep isnt on the menu. Neither is anything else.
I'm sitting here in the living room crying while Kat and Andrew are both passed out.
He busted his ass all week, so, my normal answer to his question "Are you ok?" is always, "Yes baby, why?"
Its so hard for me to ask him to deal with my issues when I know he has ones of his own he is dealing with.
Tonight though, ...
tonight would have been a perfect time for some affection.
I tried - but I guess he was too tired to catch on...
Then, the emotional part kicks my ass and says, if I was worth trying for, he would have.
Yes, I'm human - but my brain doesn't work like everyone else's.
Here's the deal -
as someone who has a harder time processing emotions and feelings, I have to decide to either a - realize im not normal, and deal with my emotions as they come, or b - force myself to conform to what everyone else thinks I should be, and let everything bottle up and kill my from the inside out.
I'll choose A.
Tonight - sleep isnt on the menu. Neither is anything else.
I'm sitting here in the living room crying while Kat and Andrew are both passed out.
He busted his ass all week, so, my normal answer to his question "Are you ok?" is always, "Yes baby, why?"
Its so hard for me to ask him to deal with my issues when I know he has ones of his own he is dealing with.
Tonight though, ...
tonight would have been a perfect time for some affection.
I tried - but I guess he was too tired to catch on...
Then, the emotional part kicks my ass and says, if I was worth trying for, he would have.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Court for SSI
Yesterday was, hard, to say the least.
I went to court for SSI, and It was like a therapy session - tears and all.
I wanted to cry out "help me get better", but all I could do was answer the questions when the judge asked or when the lawyer asked.
I'm so scared, I'm so, fearful? I don't know how to explain it.
I'm so sick of being criticized for filing for disability. So many people abused the system that don't need the help. People working, making $1,200+ a month, but still getting a $1,400 check every month. How is that fair??
How is it fair that no matter how hard I try to work on me, I get dirty looks?
Because I don't limp? Because I don't have to get around in a wheel chair? Or is it because I smile when people come around?
Do any of you have any idea how many people I have lost in my life because I have spoke openly about my feelings, or because I stood up for what I believe in?
Why is it so much more OK to take some medication and walk around half asleep, than it is to ask for help and speak your mind? Why can't people say "It's ok to need help." rather than "Grow up and get over it."
Some things you just can't get over, some things you have stuck in your mind. Some things you have to learn to get over and grow out of it. When you have spent your whole life believing one thing, and finally you break and can't get back up, why are we made to believe asking for help is bad? Why are we led to believe that we need to just deal with things on our own free time? What if those issues, those feelings, those memories, what if they invade your life on a daily basis?
People have called me a lier, people have told me I'm lazy, My favorite Aunt has refered to me as a lazy attention whore. Seriously? All because some times I need to vent and hear someone say "its ok"?
Mostly - Am I not allowed to have a good day? I only get a few of them a month. But the second you see a smile on my face you want to call me a lier for every single one of my bad days? How does that make any sense? I'm not allowed to be happy? Do you have any idea how much worse that makes me?
I was told me whole life I was a lier, a cheat, a fraud, and a mistake. Now your going to tell me I need to choose to either be happy or be depressed? Why cant I be both? Why cant I enjoy my good days when I have them? Its like finding a $50 in the mix of $1's. Its something I enjoy, and want to make the most of, because tomorrow I may wake up and not be able to get out of bed.
I'm sick of making people think my life is better just so I dont have to hear them complain about me, or hear the things they say behind my back. I'm sick of people pushing me to do things I'm not able to do, it makes me feel even worse.
I'm scared to tell anyone in my family about the SSI - not because I don't need it, but because I am sick of being made to feel like I'm the worst person in the world because I'm asking for help when I need it.
Why is it so hard for people to say "Its ok if you need help"? Why is it so much easier for people to say "Do it your damn self, you havent earned anything if you havent busted your ass for 50 years!!"
I'm sick of being made to feel irrelivent, I'm sick of having to be fake with people I love, because they refuse to support me. I put up with more crap so I don't lose them, when in fact, I'm sure the things they think and say about me are part of the damn problem to start with.
I went to court for SSI, and It was like a therapy session - tears and all.
I wanted to cry out "help me get better", but all I could do was answer the questions when the judge asked or when the lawyer asked.
I'm so scared, I'm so, fearful? I don't know how to explain it.
I'm so sick of being criticized for filing for disability. So many people abused the system that don't need the help. People working, making $1,200+ a month, but still getting a $1,400 check every month. How is that fair??
How is it fair that no matter how hard I try to work on me, I get dirty looks?
Because I don't limp? Because I don't have to get around in a wheel chair? Or is it because I smile when people come around?
Do any of you have any idea how many people I have lost in my life because I have spoke openly about my feelings, or because I stood up for what I believe in?
Why is it so much more OK to take some medication and walk around half asleep, than it is to ask for help and speak your mind? Why can't people say "It's ok to need help." rather than "Grow up and get over it."
Some things you just can't get over, some things you have stuck in your mind. Some things you have to learn to get over and grow out of it. When you have spent your whole life believing one thing, and finally you break and can't get back up, why are we made to believe asking for help is bad? Why are we led to believe that we need to just deal with things on our own free time? What if those issues, those feelings, those memories, what if they invade your life on a daily basis?
People have called me a lier, people have told me I'm lazy, My favorite Aunt has refered to me as a lazy attention whore. Seriously? All because some times I need to vent and hear someone say "its ok"?
Mostly - Am I not allowed to have a good day? I only get a few of them a month. But the second you see a smile on my face you want to call me a lier for every single one of my bad days? How does that make any sense? I'm not allowed to be happy? Do you have any idea how much worse that makes me?
I was told me whole life I was a lier, a cheat, a fraud, and a mistake. Now your going to tell me I need to choose to either be happy or be depressed? Why cant I be both? Why cant I enjoy my good days when I have them? Its like finding a $50 in the mix of $1's. Its something I enjoy, and want to make the most of, because tomorrow I may wake up and not be able to get out of bed.
I'm sick of making people think my life is better just so I dont have to hear them complain about me, or hear the things they say behind my back. I'm sick of people pushing me to do things I'm not able to do, it makes me feel even worse.
I'm scared to tell anyone in my family about the SSI - not because I don't need it, but because I am sick of being made to feel like I'm the worst person in the world because I'm asking for help when I need it.
Why is it so hard for people to say "Its ok if you need help"? Why is it so much easier for people to say "Do it your damn self, you havent earned anything if you havent busted your ass for 50 years!!"
I'm sick of being made to feel irrelivent, I'm sick of having to be fake with people I love, because they refuse to support me. I put up with more crap so I don't lose them, when in fact, I'm sure the things they think and say about me are part of the damn problem to start with.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Nightmare 10/18
This morning I went back to bed and had this nightmare. I was in this huge arcade attached to my parents home. I was trying to collect the Wii console and remotes for Kat and I to play in the house. This guy who had been a familhy friend had the remote and was holding it above his head.
I said "Come on ________, gimme the remote." And iafter he gave it to me I said "I was going to tell you welcome back we missed you, but now your just a fucking douch bag!"
He grabbed my wrist and said "Oh, I missed you too, wanna feel ho9w much?" And he started pressing himself against me.His friend chimmed in and started razzing him on.
I started screaming, these blood curdeling screams, but no one came, no one even looked.
He said, "Oh remember, your mans gone, he don't give a shit now...."
I looked up and saw Andrew standing there leaning against the wall watching, doing nothing.
He forced himself iinside of me. 1...2...3....4 times. I was screaming and crying. Begging Andrew to help me.
He just had this blank, empty look on his face.
The guy who was raping me said "he isn't gonna do shit, shut up." And as he put his hand over my mouth, he looked at his friend and said "go get her daughter...."
I started kicking and screaming, forcing myself to look over to Andrew. But he just turned around and walked away.
I saw his friend coming back with Kathleen, and kat started screaming, kicking and trying to run away.
That's when I woke up.
I laid there crying in bed, andrew didn't reach for me. It made me realize, he really isn't going to protect me forever. I have to start learning to do things for myself and on my own.
I'm scared.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Abnormal is, Normal!
So, I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, and there are lots of things I want to say.
There are all these stories in the media about people being bullied, cast aside, made fun of, or have even felt that taking their own life was the only way out.
I read someones comment of a picture of Amanda Todd's main attacker - it said something along the lines of, he was an accomplice to her murder. I agree - at least, he should get set to jail for aiding in suicide, or Assisted Suicide, which is banned in Canada.
( I will not link to this, but you can google the name. I refuse to allow any advertisement that may lead to social media spikes for the attackers of this poor young lady.)
There was another case in West Branch, Michigan where bullied high school student Whitney Kropp was voted Home Coming Queen simply because the students who bullied her rallied her to get voted as a joke.
The whole town rallied behind her and dresses, dinners, a limo and more were given to her as a congratulatory gift. I think that town is pretty amazing!! But the High School students make me sick! I hope they learned their lesson! BTW - I thnk she looked beautiful out there on the field when she was introduced!
( http://www.themarysue.com/whitney-kropp-homecoming-court/ )
These are just the two most recent events in the news.
Earlier in the month, David Hernandez of N.Y. was found dead in his family home due to an apparent suicide. There is speculation that this occurred because he was scared to come out as Gay. Whether or not this is true, we need to encourage our children to be who they are, no matter what! Show them we love and support them, no matter who they were born to be, or how they were born!
I follow a Twitter allies who calls her son "BoyChick". She refuses to push any gender bias stereotypes onto him - he has long hair until he ask for it to be cut, he plays with both dolls and trucks, he wears both pink and blue, and they try to use non-gender specific items, or words to describe him. I think its an amazing idea.
In the end, all we are worried about it this - we are all worried about our children being accepted. Be it because of their glasses, because of their weight, because they pick their nose, or because they dont like to brush their hair!
Please, if there is anything you can do to be the greatest parent in the world - it is not buying toys or clothes that they will outgrow in weeks. The greatest thing a parent can do is teach their children how to love unconditionally!
- Patty
There are all these stories in the media about people being bullied, cast aside, made fun of, or have even felt that taking their own life was the only way out.
I read someones comment of a picture of Amanda Todd's main attacker - it said something along the lines of, he was an accomplice to her murder. I agree - at least, he should get set to jail for aiding in suicide, or Assisted Suicide, which is banned in Canada.
( I will not link to this, but you can google the name. I refuse to allow any advertisement that may lead to social media spikes for the attackers of this poor young lady.)
There was another case in West Branch, Michigan where bullied high school student Whitney Kropp was voted Home Coming Queen simply because the students who bullied her rallied her to get voted as a joke.
The whole town rallied behind her and dresses, dinners, a limo and more were given to her as a congratulatory gift. I think that town is pretty amazing!! But the High School students make me sick! I hope they learned their lesson! BTW - I thnk she looked beautiful out there on the field when she was introduced!
( http://www.themarysue.com/whitney-kropp-homecoming-court/ )
These are just the two most recent events in the news.
Earlier in the month, David Hernandez of N.Y. was found dead in his family home due to an apparent suicide. There is speculation that this occurred because he was scared to come out as Gay. Whether or not this is true, we need to encourage our children to be who they are, no matter what! Show them we love and support them, no matter who they were born to be, or how they were born!
I follow a Twitter allies who calls her son "BoyChick". She refuses to push any gender bias stereotypes onto him - he has long hair until he ask for it to be cut, he plays with both dolls and trucks, he wears both pink and blue, and they try to use non-gender specific items, or words to describe him. I think its an amazing idea.
In the end, all we are worried about it this - we are all worried about our children being accepted. Be it because of their glasses, because of their weight, because they pick their nose, or because they dont like to brush their hair!
Please, if there is anything you can do to be the greatest parent in the world - it is not buying toys or clothes that they will outgrow in weeks. The greatest thing a parent can do is teach their children how to love unconditionally!
- Patty
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)