Empty

I keep coming back, thinking if I write and write that there is something inside of me that will come out and then 


I'll be ok and all better, but its not working. 

I cant deal with this life anymore. I sit there and my anger, and my crying, and my depression, its fucking consuming me and Ic ant deal with it anymore. I just want to drag nails down my skin to make the pain inside go away. 

I sit here and the shit just starts and IC ant make it stop. I've been crying for over an hour and I cant make it stop. it just keeps going and going. And I'm sick of feeling like I'm all alone. I'm sick of feeling like no matter what 

I cant be happy. I try all these damn pills and all these damn cocktails to try and fix me, BUT NOTHING WORKS!!!

I am sick of being this way. 

I dont smoke pot anymore, I dont drink anymore, I cant pretend like everything is ok anymore. 

I cant sit here day in and day out and feel like my head is going to explode. but I do. because I dont have any other choice. I dont have a choice because I dont have anymore to go to. I am so fucking alone. I live in a house with my daughter who I SUCK at mothering, and a guy who I am marrying but feel so fucking distant from because of shit that happened almost a year ago. 

I feel like im locked up in this house because I am scared to leave the house. And when I do leave the house I am always scared of what is going to happen. People say stick it out and it will be fine, but it wont. They dont understand. 

They say just push and keep positive but I cant!!! I do it and it goes wrong, and then I feel worse!!

YOU DONT KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE UNTIL YOU HAVE LIVED LIKE THIS.

And I am sick of living like this. I dont want tof eel like this anymore. I want to be normal. I want to be able to leave the house by myself and be able to be around people without wondering what everyone is thinking, and what they will say if i walk away from the table. And wondering what Andrew is doing when im not around, or who he is talking to. And im sick of being scared that I'm never going to be good enough, that im not ever going to be good enough to be loved by anymore.

I dont feel like my family loves me, i dont feel like my family wants me. Nate drives a wedge between Alex and I, and I dont even know what either of my son's favorite color is. I am sick being this piece of shit person. 

Have you ever heard that song "end of the World" by Skeeter Davis? Thats how I feel right now. Thats how I feel when im sitting at home alone, always checking my phone to see if someone has text or called to talk to me. to see if someone has sent me an e-mail or messaged me to see how my day is going. 

I feel like my world is falling apart around me. But I've almost always felt like this. But these last 3 years, its just been getting worse, and worse, and worse. It started before I even started dating Heather, and then she just made me feel like this shit on the bottom of her shoe unless I was handing her money. 

then I lost my job, and it made me feel like I just wasnt important enough. 

And sometimes, I sit here on my couch and wonder if I am important enough. I sit here and wonder what the hell I'm doing anyways. Sometimes I sit here and think - even if I was gone it wouldn't matter. Even if I was dead no one would notice. I would just be that one who wasnt bothering them anymore. 

And the fucked up thing is, I wanna stay alive just to spite them, not because I want to be here, not because IW ant to get better. In all honesty, I want to hurt them the way they hurt me, and the only way I can figure to do that is to stay alive and make them notice me, make them admit that they are related to me. 

Force my mother to admit that she is my mother - Force my father to admit that I am his child. 

But I cant force myself to be happy. I cant be happy. 

I can pretend to be happy. I can take pills to make myself feel normal. But they dont last, and they dont make me better, they just mask what is there. They make me feel like im lying to myself, and everyone else. 

I sit there almost every night and I cry and cry and cry untill my head and neck hurt, and I cant breath. But the next day I can walk ingot Ginny's office and tell her everything has been great. why? Because I'm scared for people to know the truth. I'm scared people will find out that I dont belong in this house.

If people knew how much I cut, how much I took more Clonapin than I should, they would put me in the hospital. 

I punch door frames, I bang my wrist and arms, I cut and stab, because I want my physical pain to over shadow the emotional pain that is slowly killing me. 

I want so bad to lay down and close my eyes and just see my Grandma, and slowly fade into death. I Feel like it would make it so much easier for everyone. 

I want so bad to just leave everyone. But I cant leave my daughter. I fear what would happen to her if I were gone. But I fear whats going to happen to her with everything she see's from me. 

She see's Mommy crying all the time. All the time. She always wants to make me better, always asking me whats wrong. But I cant answer her, because I dont know. I start crying for no reason, and then a million reasons flood into my mind why I should keep crying. 

If it werent for my daughter I would be dead already. She is the only thing that keeps me alive. But some days, I just think she might be better off somewhere that is not near me. I am scared of what willo happen to her. 

I dont want her to grow up and be a wreck like I am. I dont want her to think any of this is her fault.

Then other days, I think, maybe she wouldnt even remember. Maybe if I died, she wouldnt remember it in a few years, maybe she really would be better off. 

This is a daily fight for me. I had to write it down, because I never admit it. I never tell anyone, because I am scared to. 

at leats 2-3 times a week I sit here and think I need to get into the hospital, but I have no one to take care of Kat, so I cant. 

Even if Andrew worked a mid-shift, he wouldn't get home in time for Kat. And no one in my family would help him. I just dont know what to do anymore. I feel like im losing my mind, and one day, I know I'm going to snap, and I'm not going to be able to come back from it. I dont know what to do, and Im scared. Im scared for my life. 

Wedding Bell Blues

I used ot think that a wedding was supposed to be a fun, joyful, exciting time of your life. When all the family got together, and danced, ate, sang, laughed, and had fun. Yea, maybe not so much. 

Right now, I'm crying, and wanting to pull my hair out, and all I really want to do is talk to someone about it but I've lost my voice from crying.

I made the decision after calculating everything to just go with the Italian American Club. Its only a little bit more, and we wont have to worry about what to do with all the stuff after the wedding. 

But it sucks. It really sucks doing this on my own. I want my mom to be there to walk me through it, to help me make these decisions, to help me pick and chose what to do, where to go, and how to make my hair. But I dont have that. I feel like I'm isolated, and alone. 

I really want to sit back and just say, "Ok, now I can just worry about me." But I cant, because this isn't a cook out, or a family dinner , its a wedding and a reception. a WEDDING. So why doesnt it feel that way? Why does it feel like its a big pile of nothing??

Why do I sit here every single day crying my eyes out? Why do I sit here and wonder why the hell I'm on the outside looking in?

And its not just this wedding, its everything. 

I feel like I'm not a part of this family anymore. I feel like I'm the unwanted child who is slowly being pushed away and disappearing into nothing. 

It ain't easy being me

Sometimes its hard being who I am. 

It sucks.

I have so many ups & downs, and my days are a mix of emotions. I wish I could change them, and make it different. 

Some times I wake up and Im in a great mood, but then not too long after waking up, my mood shifts and im depressed, or angry. 

Other days I Wake up and im depressed or upset right off the bat. There is no changing once that happens. 

Sometimes I wonder what I need to do to be happy. I do the meds, I do the therapy, I do the counseling, but nothing helps. 

I just want change. I want to be normal. I want to be sane again. I say again, but I dont even know when the last time was. 

I dont even know what I'm saying anymore, I just want to be happy.

Bandages to Bandaids

Lets be honest, it hasnt been that long since I cut. I can still see the perminant scare on my upper arm there I used the sharp tweesers to carve into myskin until I bled.

But last night was one of those times when I knew it "had to happen". People who dont understand real cutters will never understand what it means to "have to". Just like an alcoholic, or drug addiction, its something that releases into your body and calms you down. 

I dont remember the last time I felt as bad as I did last night. I wes begging Andrew to give me permission to off myself. I wanted to die so bad. I wanted to stop this feeling that was boiling inside of me. 

I was supposed to go out with my best friend, and as the time got closer, I started freaking out about everything. I had already been in bed depressed all day, but then I started thinking about how I would prolly just ruin her night, and how Kat would irritate everyone if she wasnt having fun. How I would just be sitting there depressed. 

But inside was this huge part that just wanted her to come over and make me go and get out of this house. But she just stop texting me. I told her I was just going to stay home and I would text her tomorrow (today), and then she made a status on FB about how people are pissing her off. 

This is why I dont get close to people. Because at some point, no matter how open I am with them about my depression, it drives a wedge between us. 

Now im questioning this wedding stuff. 

I want my wedding day to be filled with family, not just a few friends. 

I am scared of what will happen if we go through all of this, and none of my family shows up. Then how will I feel? 

I'll feel like shit. 

I dont know what to do anymore...

Love is not Enough

Thats right, and it pisses me off. 

First, let me say, that there is nothing that happened between the time I was born until I had my first girlfriend that fliped the "Gay" switch on inside of me. There is no switch. God created me this way before he even placed me into my mother womb. So before you say I need to pray the gay away, maybe you should try to pray your ignorance away. 

I have a few things IW ant to say, and then this whole topic is going to be dropped for good!!

1) ANDREW IS NOT A WOMAN- he was born in the wrong body. I understand that this does not make sense to some of you, and there for your are not willing to try and understand it, but expanding your compassion and heart doesn't mean you HAVE to expand your mind. It just means that you wil soon see your way of thinking that were once "logical" will no longer make sense to you. 

2) I AM NOT A LESBIAN - I have dated men, and women. I just happened to fall in love with a MAN who was born in the wrong body. What he and I do at night is NONE OF YOUR G-D DAMN BUSINESS!!! And if your so stuck on thinking about it, then maybe YOUR the one who is scared to come out. I dont look at people and wonder how they have sex, I would appreciate it if you not look at me and mine and wonder. 

3) OUR LOVE IS JUST AS IMPORTANT AS ANYONE ELSE - Dont you ever, I dont give a shit WHO you are, expect me, for one more second, to pretend that I am not in love with this Man that God gave me by my side. Dont you DARE expect me to not hug him, kiss him, or cuddle next to him just because it makes YOU uncomfortable. THIS is my damn house, this is MY life, this is MY LOVE. YOU dont get to control that. 

4) OUR LIFE IS NOT UP FOR DISCUSSION - Andrew's body parts are nto going to be a topic of choice when he is not around. If you have questions ASK HIM!!! If you want to know how I can love someone "like him", I will ask you in return how you can love someone like your spouse or s/o.

5) GOD MADE ME THIS WAY BECAUSE I AM HIS CHILD!!!!! - Don't you dare, for a second, tell me I am living my life wrong. People made3 me believegetting baptized would "wash the gay away". Are you kidding me? Worst part was I believe them! Being baptized didnt wash anything away because IW as made JUST HOW GOD WANTS ME, not how YOU want me!! There are many people in my life I wish werent born the way they were, but guess what? God made them that way for a reason - be it an asshole, bitchy, rude, or just down right mean. And there are others in my life I love and adore and wish God had created more of. Understanding, loving, and holding God's word of unconditional love to the fullest extent

6) IF YOU CANNOT ACCEPT MY LOVE THEN DO NOT COME TO MY HOUSE - If I want to kiss Andrew, I will! If I want to hug him, I WILL!! If I want to hold his hand, I WILL!! Being able to look past someones body and loving their mind doesn't mean I have to hide it if it doesnt match what Society wants. Your my FAMILY. I'm starting to wonder if anyone even knows what that means anymore. It doesnt mean to invite me over to your house for a sleep over and bonding time only for you to dismiss the relationship I have. IF YOU CANT ACCEPT US BOTH, THEN YOU CANT ACCEPT ANY OF US!!

ANDREW IS A PART OF ME, HE IS THE OTHER HALF TO MY LIFE, AND HE ALWAYS WILL BE. NO ONE IS PERFECT, NO ONE IS ASKING FOR YOU TO DATE HIM, NO ONE IS ASKING YOU TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE LIKE HIM. MY RELATIONSHIP DOES NOT INFLUENCE OTHERS TO BE GAY. IT INFLUENCES OTHERS TO BE PROUD OF WHO THEY ARE AND NOT HIDE BECAUSE THEY ARE SCARED OF WHAT THEIR PARENT MIGHT SAY. 

I love my family, but Andrew is the head of my family now, and nothing is going to change that. I am sure I will lose a lot of people over this, but im ready for that now. I was not ready for that before. We are going to exchange vows in a "commitment" Marriage Ceremony, and our true family and friends will attend. Those who dont attend because they dont "believe its right" will no longer need to worry about what is right or wrong in our life anymore. Because I will NOT life my life ot please everyone else. I will NOT worry about what every one else says. I am just as much of a right to be happy as everyone else in this world. My love is NOT hurting anyone, my love is NOT causing anyone pain or harm. My love is not whats making you uncomfortable, dig deep sweety, because there is something inside of you that is doing that, it has NOTHING to do with me. 

Wedding Blog #1

So, I came across this lweb site called Wedding Wire. I love it!! 

It breaks down your budget, gives you a place to put your guest list with addresses, it gives you a web site where you can post info, pictures, registry info, etc. 

The other thing I love, is that it gives us a count down. As of today, we have 79 days left. OMG....

I still have not told Alex's father, as much as I want him in the wedding, I dont think it will happen. But I want it to a lot. 

I also really want Gracie (my cousin that im closest to) as the Jr. Maid of Honor. But, sadly, I dont know if that will happen either. But I'm hoping it will. 

This Sunday we are going to get together with some friends and family to talk about the basics, so I can figure out what I need to be doing, and dont need to be doing right now. 

I also need to figure out a wedding hall/location. 

We found a couple, but we are trying to figure out prices.

The Italian American Club is always my family's first choice - the price is $16.50 a person

The Knights of Columbus is second - $270 for the day, full use of the kitchen

The American Legions is third - $45 an hour, $100 deposit, $50 clean up fee, and use of kitchen, plus 10 bags of ice, and $1 for every bag after that

So, lets figure, if we have 130 people, we are going to spend about $1300 on food and drink, plus $270-$400 for the hall rental, plus $150 on paper and plastic products - im already at almost $1900 after tax. 

I'm really lost and don't know what to do. I think people would be more willing to offer their time if I needed them to help cook, but it would still cost more. The problem is, it would just cost less all together if we had it at the Italian American Club. 

Also, we found a minister who is willing to marry us there on that Sunday so my family and Friends can be present. Im so happy for that. We meet with him on the 19th for our first session. 

We also found a photographer who is willing to do the ceremony, reception, and some couples photos for $250. She wont print them out, just put them on a CD so we can pick and chose which ones we want.

We still haven't found a DJ, bit I did e-mail my cousin Pat. I just havent heard anything back yet. 

This Sunday my Mom, M.o.H. and very close family friend Chris is coming over to help us start narrowing down or "wants" and "don't wants" and also so start making some decisions on finances, and reception ideas. 

All I have so far, is that my wedding colors are Red, Black, and White.

In no way do I plan on this being a traditional "wedding" First of all, this f***ing government wont allow Andrew and I to marry legally yet, so this is a commitment ceremony. I guess it just makes me feel better to call it a wedding, because we have always been "man and woman" "Andrew and Patty". But, I know a lot of people don't support that, and its fine, they don't have to come.  

My brother made a few nasty comments on my sisters page, and it really hurt, he honestly had me in tears. But, in the end, I don't care. I will send a invite to my Mom's house, but not to his. I am not sure I Want him there to make nasty comments or ruin my day. And he has always been the one to start the comments that are hurtful. 

Having my brother there isn't an issue that hurts or bothers me, but the next thing I have to rant about IS.

I'm not sure if my father is coming, but right now, I am just prepared that he wont be there. I may be one of his children, but for his own reasons, I am below the others. And that hurts a lot. Because this is my day, and more than anything, I want to share it with him there. 

Now, onto what boils my blood. I hoe he doesnt get upset for me making this public, but yesterday I went on an emotional roller coaster, from Happy, to nervous, to upset, to pissed, to angry, to sad. 

Andrews Mother, just about every chance she gets, vocalizes how much she is against this marriage, and against this union, and I'm sure against this relationship. I have tried over and over and over again, to kiss her ass, but i'm done. I have no use or need for someone who causes un-needed negativity in my life or my spouses life. She may be Andrews parent, but she is not Mine. Unless she shows up to that Sunday, or has some change of heart, 

I will no longer have anything to do with her. 

Thats very hard for me to say, because the Buddhist in me wants to smooth everything over, destress the situation, and remove the suffering for everyone. But now my family is involved, and it is effecting our home. And this is where I have to say "I need to remove myself from this situation because it is not in my power to control it." What else is there I can do? Nothing. I just wish she could see how hurtful her words are to Andrew, and how much she is causing stress with us. And the worst part about it is, Kathleen still wants to go see them when 

Andrew goes, mostly to play with the dog, but she asked me if they are going to be her Grandparents when Daddy and I get married. Well, yes, they will be, but you wont have a relationship with them. HOW DO I SAY THAT TO A CHILD?!?! She doesn't need to know whats going on. But she does know. She hears them on the phone, and she ask me, "Why cant they just love Daddy like we do?" Baby girl, that is not a question I have the ability to answer...

Anyways, this is all the wedding crap I am dealing with. Except for one last thing....

A wedding shower. 

Let me be honest, I have seen people who already live together, have everything they need, and still register for a Wedding Gift Registry and have a Wedding Shower. I'll be honest, I thought it was kind of tacky. Well, then I started thinking. 

You know, Andrew and I started living together in 2009 - he proposed in Feb of 2010, but it was not received happily by my family. We started our life together with lots of old used things, and less than a handful of things are new. Everything was gifted to us second-hand by people who no longer needed it, or knew we didnt have it, etc. And I thought, look, if people want to buy us gifts, fine. But I want them practical, and useful. So, I did a registry and added things like Bake ware, Measuring cups and spoons, cookware, glasses, a Keurig (praying I get that!!!), Photo Frames, a Wicker Chest for the living room that we can put the blankets in, some serving bowels, some sheets, pillows. I just thought, here is a list of cheaper things that, if they want to bring a gift but dont know what, then here are some suggestions. Nothing expensive, but everything practical. 

So, we registered at Target and Bed, Bath & Beyond. Two of my most loved stores 

Well, as things change or come up, I will post. I am just so excited about the wedding that I want to post everything, but I dont want to get on peoples nerves about it lol.

Weddings & Other Things

So, I'm trying to get this wedding stuff together, and I'm not sure I can. 

I feel like im over stressing about something that isn't as important to others as it is to me. I guess once I get the RSVP's back, I will know where to go from there. But, as of right now, I'm thinking maybe only 50-75 people will be coming. 

I thought with tax return and Andrews raise we could spend maybe $2,500 on the wedding. I got a place (The Italian American Club) who can do exactly what we want for $16.50 a plate, but, if there are only going to be like 50 people there, whats the point in booking a hall. 

Well, Sunday a family friend Chris is coming over, and so is my Mom and my sister and my best friend Tabby. 

Its hard - the more I try to get excited, the  more I hear all those people from my past telling me how this relationship "isn't right". I hear all these people in my head saying "Oh Patty, you didn't really think we would come did you? Andrew isn't even a real man! How can  you marry him?". I know, causing panic attacks and anxiety that really isn't needed right now. 

I don't know that what I do in my life has ever been important, or as important as the other three kids. 

I just really want my family to celebrate this with me. 

I would like to find a minister who is willing to administer vows with Andrew and I at the reception so that my family can be there. But, to be honest, I dont even know that the family WILL all be there. 

Time will tell. 

I hope it tells a good story....

2012 - Changes??

Well, Andrew and I have decided to take part in the Marriage ceremonies in Downtown Cleveland, Ohio March 24th, 2012. 

I feel like this should be an amazing night, an amazing event, a great, blessed time. But I am starting to feel scared that it wont be. 

I want so bad to share this with my family. But, while they know Andrew as Andrew, and use the proper pronouns, in their eyes, he is still Transgender, and is biologically a female. This hurts my heart. It hurts me because, we have been engaged since February 2010, but how our families have or have not accepted our relationship has caused a lot of stress and tension between us. 

I want my family to be excited with me, I want them to celebrate with us, and dance with us, and smile with us, and cry with us, and celebrate our love with us. I want my Father to be there, but I know he wont be. I want my Mother, my aunts, my Brothers, my Sister, my niece, my nephews, my sons, my cousins - I want them all there to celebrate with us. But while I slowly watch our friends fill up the "accepted" tab on the Reception Invite, and watch my family slowly fill up the "declined" list, my heart sinks. 

Does gender cause this wedge? Does what is between a persons legs really tell us if love is right or wrong?

This is NOT about religion, Im sorry. No matter how much anyone wants it to be, its not. 

Its about Andrew and I, and how much we love each other. Its about wanting to commit ourselves to each other for life. If Andrew was born as a male, then I dont doubt all of my family would show up to a church for a wedding. But this - this is what causes the wedge?

I'm prepping myself - to pay for everything, to do everything, to get dressed without my mom there, to say "I do" with none of my family standing by my side - to cook all the food by myself while Andrew works the morning shift, to bake cupcakes to fill a cupcake tower - because a wedding cake just isn't something we can budget even on the best of days. 

I want so bad to wake up tomorrow and see everyone support us the way they would if Andrew was born male. I want everyone to look at us and see our love, and see our family, not what is under our clothes. 

Either way, I know in my heart, this is the right thing. I just hope, pray, and hope and pray, that BOTH of our families will share this with us. I don't want to do this on our own. This isn't just some dinner party. Its a wedding reception. No matter if Ohio see's this marriage as legal or not - in our hearts it is real. I only hope my family will see it the same way. 

Its been over two years - its time that we take the next step.