September 14, 2011

Babies everywhere….

I will say the hardest part about being in a same sex relationship is the inability to create a child together. And the worst part is, as much as it hurts, damages, and wounds some couples, people will use it against them saying its God way of stopping us from creating children like us. Or they will say its because we are not supposed to be together.

Well, its just as hard when your with someone who is Transgendered – because no matter how much you love that person, no matter how many times you make love at midnight, or hold each other from dusk till dawn, there will never be a child created from that love. There will never be an “oops” to be surprised with.

Last August we tried to conceive a child because my body is getting to the point where pretty soon, it won’t be able to hold a baby, so its come down to a “now or never” time frame. But, no matter how much Andrew and I pray about it, no matter how much I beg for it, no matter how much we love each other, we can’t create that child on our own.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, however you want to look at it, I can’t go out and cheat on him with a biological man, I cant. But, fortunately, we have a friend, an amazing friend, who has been the backbone to this endeavor. And tomorrow, we will try again.

I shared this with a couple of people, and they were a little upset, or, discouraged – how could I bring a child into this relationship? How could I bring a child into this home? How could I bring a child into this family when I am dealing with so much emotionally.

But lets be honest. Andrew and I have lived together for the last, almost, 2 years. Had he been born with the right body parts, I would have already had a child with him.

In 2006 I placed my last born son up for adoption. I was promised e-mails, pictures, phone calls, and everything great, but the last two years has been hardly anything. Once visit in 2009, and two sets of 10-15 photos, and 1-2 emails. I have another son who lives with his father whom I hardly get to see.

People say my financial situation is going to make it hard, that its not right. But, I look at my sister and her boyfriend. They struggled, they really did. But you know what, they made it. I have put off for a year trying again, because I was so scared that financially we couldn’t do it. But we can do it, and we are hoping that tomorrow, God places a baby in me to grow this family.

Negative comments need not apply. Andrew and I love each other, and there is nothing I wouldn’t do to share a child with him; my last child. Because I cannot walk around with this empty feeling inside of me anymore.

Empty from Keaton, Empty still from Alex, empty from all the times we made love and nothing came of it.

I hope, and pray that my family and friends will be just as excited as we are if and when this pregnancy happens, because through the fights and bickering, Andrew and I were meant to be together, and we will be, forever.

He is my one true soul mate, and I am him. We fit together like no one else in this world. And we want nothing more then to get married and raise a child together. So for now, we will settle on the child J

And soon, some day soon, we will be able to get married and have it recognized. Because we love each other just as much as any other couple out there, and we want to have the family as well.

On a side note, we don’t want to name the person who is helping us with this, but he knows who he is, and he knows how special of a place he holds in our hearts. But for privacy reasons, we wont be sharing it until we know for sure I am able to get pregnant again, and until all three of us sit down and decide the best way to share it with our loved ones.

His mother is a great support in this, and Andrew and I couldn’t ask for a more amazing donor.

So, for now, we just ask for your prayers, because losing the baby last year was a terrible feeling, and it shattered us as a couple. This time, it is, and always will be in God’s hands, and I believe he will bless us with a little bundle of joy, but I pray that this time, my body holds on to that, and I am able to carry on until s/he is ready to come into this world.

Thanks for reading, and thanks for your prayers J

-Patty & Andrew

You cant always get what you want....

Well, as we celebrate the fact that ill start getting my cash disability benefits this month, we keep on praying for God to bring Andrew a new job.

He has been with this company for almost two years straight, on and off for the last 5-6. His boss continues to lie and cheat him out of pay he deserves and disrespects him at every turn he gets. Yet, somehow, he still manages to have Andrew by the boots.

Many times I've heard Andrew gets excited and feel proud about this promotion that Mike promises this time will be real. But" this time" has happened a million times.

Im sick of seeing andrew run over by these people who think they can use him and abuse his loyalty all because its all he can get.

"Let's treat him like shit and walk all over him because he has no other place to go anyways." Its like he is the punching bag of the store. He gets treated like shit, lied to, and walked all over, and he has no choice but to take it because of some fucked up decisions he made in his past.

I get tired of seeing it, hearing about it, feeling the tension in the house.

His manager, Mike... the asshole. He treats people like objects that he can use and toss out. How stupid was I to introduce him to my Aunt.

This guy hires people on a scale of how fuckable they are, on how great his chances are of having sex with him. For God sake, now he hires a gay boy cuz he is so cute.

And here sits Andrew... tranny of the store... he is supposed to be such good friends with Mike. Yet mike does nothing but treat him like crap. And im sorry, but the few times he does treat him like he is worth something, its like the bomb is about to drop.

Anytime andrew comes home to tell me all these great things people are saying about him at work I cringe... because I know, just days later, he will come home broken and upset because he has been lied to again.

A God of Many Names

Today I read someone’s post on twitter that read “Everyone has a story”…..

Its very true, of course, everyone DOES have a story. But over the years I have learned that there are some stories you just don’t share with people. And those are the ones I keep private, between Andrew and I at night while I cry myself to sleep, or during my appointments with Ginny or Kris.

But here is one story I want to share; one story I want to bring the light on to.

Back in January or February we got a DVD called “Eat, Pray, Love”. Andrew and I were going through the WORST part of our relationship, the worst. From January to April there were times I wanted to walk out and never come back, and Im sure he felt the same. There were times we didn’t speak at all, and there were times we were speaking to other people. We were finding comfort in others when we were too scared to ask for it from each other.

Anyways, I watched this movie more times then I can remember during those months. And each time I wondered what it would be like to become a Buddhist. I wondered if I could utilize the tools and skills to train my mind to not be so depressed and anxious.

Soon I was checking out my first books on Buddhism, and reading them like I used to read my Bible. Then it all came to a halt. One book said, in order to be a Buddhist you must Proclaim that Buddah (Siddhartha) if the one true God…. Nope, sorry, cant do it. I believe in my Lord and Savior, I believe Jesus died on the cross for our sins, I believe that the Lord is the one I see in my Christian or Catholic Church. I stopped reading. I changed over to books on Borderline Personality Disorder and Depression. But, it lead me back to Buddhism; “The Borderline and the Buddha”. Ok I’ll read it…

Life changing.

That’s when I decided, these people who live with two religions aren’t crazy like I assumed them were. In the book I just finished, “Blue Jean Buddha” one of the essays says if we are all serving one true God, isn’t he a God of all? Can’t he be the God who sent Jesus to the Christians, and Moses to the Jews, and Siddhartha to the Buddhist? Can’t he be the one God who loves us all, and it there for us, in any form we need for him to be?

Someone made the comment, “How can you be a Christian Buddhist?” I wanted to ask, “How can you be a Human with Religion?” Arent we taught in school that we came from Monkeys? Arents we taught in Church that Adam and Eve were the first Humans on this planet, and they were placed here by God himself, before any other creatures? Well, how do you split the two in your head?

See, I don’t split. To be, God is God, there is no difference. Those who say God tells them to do things to harm, hurt, or kill those around us are not serving God, they are serving the Devil in Gods clothing. I fear no religion, NONE, and that’s pretty hard for anyone to say after 9/11. But I do not believe any religion is responsible for killing or terror attacks.

Please think about it – the KKK killed African Americans because God says that “Whites are the supreme race” Nowhere in the bible does it mention Races, only tribes of Nations. So, isn’t the KKK using Christianity and Jesus Christ to make their terror attacks ok?

We all use and abuse religion, and religious tolerance to our own needs and liking. We form things to fit us and our needs.  So how can I live a life with duel religions? Because my God has taught me love, and acceptance. He has taught me that being happy, and being able to walk in the light of day is one blessing he will never take from me. God has taught me that seeking happiness under him is not being selfish; but it is the unselfish acts and thoughts of the Buddhist that truly shows the love God wants us to have.

I have yet to visit a temple, or a meditation center, but I plan to one day soon. I am a woman of great needs, not material, but emotional and spiritual. And I will seek my God in what ever form he shows himself to me. When I prayed to God, and Jesus and my Grandmother to show me some sign, to point me in some way, so that I could stop grieving the loss of my Grandmother and our child, I saw a preview for this movie, and I watched it.

I saw a woman bow on her knees and pray to a God she had never prayed to before, and thank him for all the wonderful things he is giving us, and I saw her go through meditation, and Buddhist Practice, and grow into this person who found love on her own.

Her best line was “I don’t need to love you to prove that I love myself.” And its true. We don’t need to love others to prove that we love ourselves. We just need to love God; no matter what shape, or name he comes in, we just need to love God.

We Remember: 9/11/2001

Today I logged into my FaceBook to find all of these comment threads about remembering 9/11, asking what we were doing that day, sharing our thoughts, fears, and memories of that day.

I posted a “Good Morning” on my mother’s wall, and in her comment back she said, “Thinking a lot about 10 years ago and thinking about all those families who lost loved ones that day. Somehow I can’t help but thinking that all the reminders on Facebook are so sad… NONE OF US should need to be reminded.”

She is right you know, none of us should have to be reminded. But I think it goes deeper than that. I think it goes past the reminders, and the memories, and the sharing. I think it’s the face that we are all still scared, still grieving, still worried that something is going to happen again.

Sharing our memories, sharing what we were doing is, maybe, our way of coming together to share in the grief.

“Come and tell me what you were doing, so I can comfort you. Then let me tell you and you can do the same.”

You know, this isn’t a normal tragedy. This isn’t about a public transit bus that swerved off the road and killed 6 of the passengers; this isn’t about a train that derailed, and it’s not about a gas leak that caused an explosion in a home, or hotel.

This is a tragedy that truly did shake not only our nation, but the world even.

Yes, the US was effected the most – we were the ones attacked, we were the ones who’s ground was shook and torn into rubble. Our government buildings were on high alert, our Pentagon was attacked, we had people who died who had no idea that there was even this attack going on.

While your sharing your stories about your English class, or your drive home from the grocery store, or sitting watching a soap opera when the news Broke in, take a minute to think about those who never had a chance to hear the news – they were the news. Think about those who will never be able to share their story, because they were the story. Think about those who were 9/11. Think about those who were the news. Think about those who have not had the chance to voice their story because they were the ones who were killed in the terror attacks.

While we sit here and post, think of those family members who have to avoid FaceBook, Twitter, and other social networking sites, because of the reminders they get about the son, daughter, husband, wife, child, grandchild, or grandparent, loved one, or friend they lost. Before you offer up your story about what you were doing, think about those who were actually there.

Remember those faces covered in dust and debris, the faces on the news that walked away, the unrecognizable faces, the people who walked away not knowing what the hell had just happened; the people watching the news, trying to decipher those faces, trying to recognize one of them as their own family – trying to sift through the news channels looking for their loved ones; looking through the channels for them as if they were looking through a laundry basket for a lost sock.

Think about those police officers, firemen, and EMS who arrived at the towers to help find and save the lives of those who were buried in the rubble. There were life’s lost within their squads too.

You see, to us, sharing our memories of what happened in our class room, home, car, and job are reminders to us of what happened to them. But when we share, they are reminders to those victims who survived, of what happened to them.  It is a reminder that we survived and their loved ones didn’t.

So, instead of posting about your personal reminders from the other side of the country, post a prayer for those families effected. Sit down and pray, to whatever god or Gods you serve, and pray that these families can find a healing place, that they can find a place with their God that is comforting, and loving.

Pray or send out some positive energy for those who want to break down today, for those who cannot hold the person they lost today.

Today shouldn’t be about those of us who survived. Make it about those who were lost. 

Ex's Drama pt.I

Here I sit, eating a big bowl of Mashed Potatoes – the instant kind. Well, any mashed potato lover knows that the4 instant kind are sticker than the normal kind. You can pretty much mold them into anything you want. I was reminded of this last night when my daughter started making little building blocks out of them; and the night before when she made a face using two kernels of corn for eyes, and gravy for brown hair.

Well, not that I have decided to give up meat, I was looking at the bowl and thought – “Hey, I could make a steak out of these bad boys… Shape it up, fry it like a pancake, and put some sautéed mushrooms and gravy over the top of it! Or, I could shape it like a chicken leg, and fry it until it was golden brown, like a French fry!

It got me thinking… are there people out there who view reality as mashed potatoes; do they feel they can shape and mold it into anything they want, and expect others to believe it? Are there people out there who shape and form these mashed potatoes so much, that even they have forgotten they are, in face, mashed potatoes?

Look at Tofu, and Vegetable protein – there are some products made from these items that are so convincing that even someone who is a pure carnivore could barely tell the difference, or simply comment, “Not enough seasoning.”

But those are the people who worry me. The ones who live a life filled with lies that they have convinced themselves of. Because then, when they realize that it was a lie, how do they fix it? Do they then need to back track the past how-ever-many-years and say sorry to everyone who was affected by it? Or can they just pick and choose? But then, what happens to the people who were affected by the others?

And how far is too far? How many lies are too many?

You see, the Buddhist part of me says, “There is never a last chance”. But my mind id saying “Take caution, don’t get hurt.”

I’d like to share an e-mail between an ex and I that happened after I got a friend request from her.

• 

  Yesterday

  Patricia Savol

  • Ok, what is it you need this time?
    
    You always come around when you need something, when something is going wrong, when someone walks out of your life, when you need me to be there, when you need my shoulder - then you up and leave like a storm and leave me a wreck.
    
    Im not interested.
    
    I tried being friends - but each time I do, you dismiss me like I've caused so many issues and drama for you.
    
    Im not going to let someone walk into my life, trample all over it, and then storm out when they are done using me up.
    
    Im a better person than that, and I deserve better friends than that, and I deserve to have people in my life who arent going to use me up and spit me out.

23 hours ago

Heather W

• I dont need absolutely anything at all. I am sorry for the things Ihave done and the way that I acted in the past. I was a completely different person then. I didn't even know myself then. I can't change the past. I have been going to church and last sermon Dan was preaching about being a fullback and how sometimes people don't get the credit for things they did or do without credit, like the months you spent trying to make me want to be sober and not take pills for pleasure, or drink like I would never get another drop. I had so many issues Patty, and I want to thank you for trying what you thought was the best to get me sober. Truth be told I had to want to be sober before I could get there. About 3 months ago my mom figured everything out, on Mother's Day in fact and told me that I had no other option either get clean or find another house to live. That was my rock bottom. Trish & I have been clean since that day. I can drink sociablly, I can take ym medication, as prescribed, I feel like a real human being again. Whether you choose to be my friend or this is sumply just a thank you email for the thousands of miles you walked because you loved me and wanted a better me, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You went to extemes to try to help me better myself, and for that I own you a thousand thank you's. I hope that eventually we can rekindle our friendship, and I can be an active part of Kat's life, because I honestly, love that lil girl with all I have. I have her picture hangin in our living room. I am not saying we are gonna be bff's, if we are then great, if not then thats fine too. I jsut want you to know that I fully appreciate all you did and have done for me over the past 3 years I have known you. You wll forever hold a huge spot in my heart...I am truly sorry for hurting you, and I promise I will never ententually do that again...
  
  Heather
  
  
  • 

    3 hours ago

    Patricia Savol

    • While I appreciate your apology and your Thanks.... I have to admit that I have heard all these things before.
  • 
    

    about an hour ago

    Heather W

    • Well, I have lied a lot in my past. So I totally understand you being skeptical. But I swear on everything I love my life has changed. It would mean the world to me if you wanted to be a part of my new life..if not I understand..
  • 

    54 minutes ago

    Patricia Savol

    • I have to talk to Andrew.... because your friend request and email made both of us feel uneasy... im glad, if what you say is true, that your new life is everything u say it is. But, yes... skeptical is one way of putting how I feel about you wanting to be in contact again
  • 
    

    31 minutes ago

    Heather W

    • Andrew can rest assured that my intentions aren't to be with you or anything like that...I am very happy in my relationship with trish..let me know!

20 minutes ago

Patricia Savol

• That's not even an issue... trust me.
  
  Its the fact that you have walked in and out of my life with Andrew to pick up the pieces when u decide its time to travel on. And im not the only one who gets hurt. Kathleen does as well.
  
  Andrew and I need to have her best intentions in mind.
  
  Trust me, what ever your intentions may be, my only intentions are to protect myself and my family.

While I appreciate her saying sorry, it still does not change the way I feel. And while I need to learn to let go of her abusiveness and her additions from when she and I were involved, I feel like this shouldn’t be about me, it should be about her. It should be about saying “good job” for being sober, and “Good job” for cleaning up. But because I have heard this story so many times; one part of me inside is laughing, and the other part inside of me is applauding her, like I have so many times, for getting sober. But if she is now admitting to me that she was never sober, then those applauds were wasted.

While I value Andrews opinion and suggestions above anyone else, I still would like some suggestions, some comments, because – when I see her name, I still get knots in my stomach over the way she has used me, stolen from me, and abused me over the last 3 years. Yet still, here I sit, being mindful that this is not just about me…. I need guidance from others.