New Year, Same Crap

I'm trying so hard to do what I can. I'm trying so hard to bring money in, but I cant work.

People say its bullshit. But I wish they could take a walk in my shoes. I wish they could be inside me for just one week. The Ups and Downs, and the panic attacks. I been trying to sell these cookies and candies, but thats nto something thats going to go on and on and make me enough income to help support my family. But t is helping us with a few extra dollars. 

Andrew gets his raise in January which will help us a lot, but, its only 50c. In December I only made like $400 from the cookies, and that was how much I got paid - if I deduct the ingredients, packing supplies, etc, I maybe only made like $150. Which was great to help us with christmas and rent, but that was all it was. Thank God I didnt make $600. I think 2012 is going to be a lot of changes. 

But, the thing is, this isnt a business. Its just me baking a few cookies and friends and family paying me to bake them. I dont get a huge return, 20% if im lucky. Ingredients, gas for baking, wax paper and bags for packing, paper and ink for printing. 

I'm not doing this to get a huge chunk of money, I'm doing this to keep myself busy and put a couple dollars in my pocket. 

I just want things different in 2012. I keep waiting for SSI to come thoguht, and a few times I gave up, gave in, and tried to find a job. But een walking into a place with the intentions of asking for an application makes me feel sick. 

I sit there hoping for something to happen, but its not going to. I cant get a job without applying. Its like wanting to win the lottery without playing a ticket. 

I told my worker - I have no problem knowing what to do, or how to do it, its doing it that causes the issue. And I try harder than anyone knows. But people look at me and think "I could do better" or "I know she can do better than that" But you dont know, they dont know. 

I wish they did know, I wish they knew how it felt to walk in my shoes.  

Drs....

But some times they do. 

Had my MRI's done on the 15th. I had been waiting for a call back ever since, so finally I called. 

They said they had been trying to contact me all week - they need me to come in as soon as possible. They had a few openings, but now it was Friday and they didn't have anything until after the new year. The Dr was calling in new lab work for me. They need me to get the blood work done as soon as I can, and please fast or get it done first thing in the morning. 

this nurses tone wasnt sweet, or kind, or just easy going like "Oh, we have the test results back, lets get you in to see the dr now." It was "Miss. Savol we have been trying to contact you all week. The Dr really needs you in as soon as you can. We are sending new blood work down for you, please get in early next week to complete it then call us for an appointment." And when I asked what the results were, all I got was "You will have to discuss them with your doctor. But please get the blood work done at least 48 hours before your appointment." 

So here I sit, waiting, and teetering between either, this nurse is a douche bag for acting like this, or there is something wrong and they cant tell me over the phone. 

Then I start thinking - the headaches have been daily, the dizzy spells, the ringing in my ears... Why?

So, tomorrow I have to call and make the appointment, then Wednesday I'll go get the blood work done. 

Im not looking forward to this. 

Being Borderline is hard enough. Now my mind is going a million miles an hour over what could be wrong, and I'm almost too scared to go back....

Christmas 2011

Well, this year was better than last. 

Last year we had to get up at 330am to do gifts because Andrew had to be at work at 6am. This year I didnt get up until 650 

So, our Holiday went like this....

Christmas Eve Andrew got off work at 745pm and we went to my parents house.

Shortly after we got there we ate dinner - Pizza, Sausage, Smelts, Calamari, Olives, and some candy and cookies from me 

After Dinner we all plopped on a couch and watched The Family Stone. After my call to the drs this week, that movie really hit me hard. I could just imagine Andrew and Kat decorating a tree without me next year. 

Anyways, after the movie, we came home.

We got home, Kat crashed, and we stuffed the stockings, placed the gifts, and then cleaned off the dining room table and set it for breakfast.

Christmas Day-

650 the alarm went off, got dressed, visited the bathroom to empty my bladder and then made my way slowly to the kitchen 

Started frying the bacon, and then Kat and Andrew joined me 

Andrew cooked the eggs after the bacon was cooked, while Kat made the toast. 

We got the Juice, and grapes out, and sat down to a very yummy breakfast.

After breakfast I wrote our names on paper and out them in a bowl. 

Then, we started watching The Polar Express 

When he got to pick the first gift of Christmas, we drew a name from the bowl, and Andrews name got picked. 

This was epic because he HATES opening gifts before everyone else. 

From there, we took turns, and opened all the gifts. 

At about 11 Andrew went to his parents house while I finished some cookies, and cleaned up from Breakfast. 

At about 1-130 Scott picked us all up and we went to Moms.

Dinner, Dreidle, and gifts later, we came home about 9am and crashed!!

It was so much fun, and I am glad I was there for Christmas this year 

Alone...

I have to be honest, sometimes I feel so alone. 

I live in this house with Andrew and Kat, and I spend time with them, but I feel alone still.

I understand that Andrew works long hours, but even on his days off he wants to sleep until 10-11am. 

I miss when he would get up with me in the mornings when I got out of bed. But then again, it seems like there is always something to argue about so maybe thats why he sleeps so long. 

Honest question - when does someone catch up on sleep? How much "extra" sleep do they need to get until they can say they are rested?

Sometimes I feel like all he does is work and sleep. Granted, we do spend a couple hours a day together. But, I look at couples who work8-9 hours a day, sleep 6-8 hours, and spend the rest of their time with family. Lastnight we got home around 930, and were in bed by 1030, and its 10am and he is still sleeping. 

Not to mention he works at 2pm, so he will be leaving around 130, so in just a few short hours he will be leaving. 

But, I feel like if I say anything to him about it, I will be wrong for saying something, or wrong for voicing how I feel. 

Granted, I dont work, bu I used to. I know how tiring it can be to put up with bullshit for 8 hours a day, or 10 for that matter. But if that bullshit makes you so tired that its absorbing your family time so you can sleep it off, then by all means, find a new job with less bullshit. 

I'm slowly feeling my family slip away from me, and im starting to feel numb, like tempered. Its not hurting like it used to, not sure its hurting at all. Just, annoying me more and more. 

Oh well..

Damn Land Lords!!!!

Well, today is Christmas Eve. 

Time for fun, and laughs, and Family. 

So, I took the time to make some more cookies, and candy for my family get together at Moms tonight. 

At about 830am Andrew pointed out that some things in the freezer were thawing. Hmmm... must have knocked the freezer thermo with the Candy Boxes. So, I knocked them down as cool as I could. 

430pm - more thawed then before, and now the fridge is almost room temp. SHIT!

Call the land lord, and he suggest we store the food in the attic for the weekend, because he cant do anything until Tuesday. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!

Well, I called Rent-A-Center and asked if there was anything they could do to help. Nope, they were in the process of closing, and couldnt help, but they were sorry. I appreciated it, said thank you anyways, and goodbye. 

I called Andrew crying my eyes out, and he says he will call me back. 

Calls me back - Rent-a-center will be to our house in 15 minutes. 

Sure enough, 15-20 minutes later, they were here with a brand new stainless steel fridge. Thank you God!! I moved everything right away, and sent them off with the fridge payment and a box of 2 dozen cookies each. 

Thank you so much, #Rent-A-Center for helping when we had no one else to turn to!!!

This is why you will ALWAYS have our business!!!

'Tis the Season

It is so very hard for me to sit here and think of this season as Holy or Jolly. 

The season in which we are supposed to be celebrating the Birth of Jesus Christ has become the season that we celebrate extended shopping hours and half price clearance sales. Why have we done this?

Have we honestly forgot the meaning of this season?

There are many different Holidays celebrated in December....

December 5th is the Muslim Holiday Ashura. 

December 8th is the day Buddhist Celebrate Bodhi Day. 

December 8 - 15th is the Jewish Holiday Hanukkah. 

December 25th is Christmas for Christians. 

December 26th is Kawnzaa for African-Americans. 

With all these days to celebrate Joy, Love, Enlightenment, Courage, and Faith, how is it we have gotten so wrapped up in the joy of, Shopping?!?!

I sit here and wonder, are we teaching our Children how to be happy, or how to make themselves happy?

Are we teaching them that no matter what he have we can be happy with what we DO have?

or are we teaching them that no matter what, if we don't get at least 7 or the 10 items on a list of things we want, then we cant be happy?

Im not Muslim, or Jewish, or African-American. 

I was raised Catholic, was Baptized Catholic as a baby, and then re-baptized into a Christian Church at the age of 24. And at age 28 I watched a movie called "Eat, Pray, Love" that sparked a bone in my body that has never stopped meditating and chanting since. 

I am fully capable to serve one God, and have two Teachers. 

I believe there is only one God, and I believe that that God is the leader of all Good Religions. No matter what name you use, if you are referring to the God I know, then you are referring to a kind, and loving God. 

And that Kind and Loving God didn't intend for any of these Holidays to be celebrated by going on mad shopping sprees while we let others go without. 

That being said, I'll completely admit that Andrew is out Shopping right now for gifts for Kathleen. 

But I also made sure she knows the meaning of these gift, she knows where these gifts came from, she knows why she is receiving them. 

No, they didn't come from Walmart, no she didn't receive them because they were on sale. 

She received them because Jesus Christ, one of our Teachers, and Savior was brought to us as a gift from our God. And on this day, we celebrate his Birth, by lighting a tree and giving gifts to others, the way God gave his son to us. 

This year, when you are at home exchanging gifts, please remember that those gifts wouldn't be under your tree, nor would there be a tree, if it weren't for our God who sent his son, to die for us. 

Remember,

You are LOVED,

Always,

Me