Wedding Blog #1

So, I came across this lweb site called Wedding Wire. I love it!! 

It breaks down your budget, gives you a place to put your guest list with addresses, it gives you a web site where you can post info, pictures, registry info, etc. 

The other thing I love, is that it gives us a count down. As of today, we have 79 days left. OMG....

I still have not told Alex's father, as much as I want him in the wedding, I dont think it will happen. But I want it to a lot. 

I also really want Gracie (my cousin that im closest to) as the Jr. Maid of Honor. But, sadly, I dont know if that will happen either. But I'm hoping it will. 

This Sunday we are going to get together with some friends and family to talk about the basics, so I can figure out what I need to be doing, and dont need to be doing right now. 

I also need to figure out a wedding hall/location. 

We found a couple, but we are trying to figure out prices.

The Italian American Club is always my family's first choice - the price is $16.50 a person

The Knights of Columbus is second - $270 for the day, full use of the kitchen

The American Legions is third - $45 an hour, $100 deposit, $50 clean up fee, and use of kitchen, plus 10 bags of ice, and $1 for every bag after that

So, lets figure, if we have 130 people, we are going to spend about $1300 on food and drink, plus $270-$400 for the hall rental, plus $150 on paper and plastic products - im already at almost $1900 after tax. 

I'm really lost and don't know what to do. I think people would be more willing to offer their time if I needed them to help cook, but it would still cost more. The problem is, it would just cost less all together if we had it at the Italian American Club. 

Also, we found a minister who is willing to marry us there on that Sunday so my family and Friends can be present. Im so happy for that. We meet with him on the 19th for our first session. 

We also found a photographer who is willing to do the ceremony, reception, and some couples photos for $250. She wont print them out, just put them on a CD so we can pick and chose which ones we want.

We still haven't found a DJ, bit I did e-mail my cousin Pat. I just havent heard anything back yet. 

This Sunday my Mom, M.o.H. and very close family friend Chris is coming over to help us start narrowing down or "wants" and "don't wants" and also so start making some decisions on finances, and reception ideas. 

All I have so far, is that my wedding colors are Red, Black, and White.

In no way do I plan on this being a traditional "wedding" First of all, this f***ing government wont allow Andrew and I to marry legally yet, so this is a commitment ceremony. I guess it just makes me feel better to call it a wedding, because we have always been "man and woman" "Andrew and Patty". But, I know a lot of people don't support that, and its fine, they don't have to come.  

My brother made a few nasty comments on my sisters page, and it really hurt, he honestly had me in tears. But, in the end, I don't care. I will send a invite to my Mom's house, but not to his. I am not sure I Want him there to make nasty comments or ruin my day. And he has always been the one to start the comments that are hurtful. 

Having my brother there isn't an issue that hurts or bothers me, but the next thing I have to rant about IS.

I'm not sure if my father is coming, but right now, I am just prepared that he wont be there. I may be one of his children, but for his own reasons, I am below the others. And that hurts a lot. Because this is my day, and more than anything, I want to share it with him there. 

Now, onto what boils my blood. I hoe he doesnt get upset for me making this public, but yesterday I went on an emotional roller coaster, from Happy, to nervous, to upset, to pissed, to angry, to sad. 

Andrews Mother, just about every chance she gets, vocalizes how much she is against this marriage, and against this union, and I'm sure against this relationship. I have tried over and over and over again, to kiss her ass, but i'm done. I have no use or need for someone who causes un-needed negativity in my life or my spouses life. She may be Andrews parent, but she is not Mine. Unless she shows up to that Sunday, or has some change of heart, 

I will no longer have anything to do with her. 

Thats very hard for me to say, because the Buddhist in me wants to smooth everything over, destress the situation, and remove the suffering for everyone. But now my family is involved, and it is effecting our home. And this is where I have to say "I need to remove myself from this situation because it is not in my power to control it." What else is there I can do? Nothing. I just wish she could see how hurtful her words are to Andrew, and how much she is causing stress with us. And the worst part about it is, Kathleen still wants to go see them when 

Andrew goes, mostly to play with the dog, but she asked me if they are going to be her Grandparents when Daddy and I get married. Well, yes, they will be, but you wont have a relationship with them. HOW DO I SAY THAT TO A CHILD?!?! She doesn't need to know whats going on. But she does know. She hears them on the phone, and she ask me, "Why cant they just love Daddy like we do?" Baby girl, that is not a question I have the ability to answer...

Anyways, this is all the wedding crap I am dealing with. Except for one last thing....

A wedding shower. 

Let me be honest, I have seen people who already live together, have everything they need, and still register for a Wedding Gift Registry and have a Wedding Shower. I'll be honest, I thought it was kind of tacky. Well, then I started thinking. 

You know, Andrew and I started living together in 2009 - he proposed in Feb of 2010, but it was not received happily by my family. We started our life together with lots of old used things, and less than a handful of things are new. Everything was gifted to us second-hand by people who no longer needed it, or knew we didnt have it, etc. And I thought, look, if people want to buy us gifts, fine. But I want them practical, and useful. So, I did a registry and added things like Bake ware, Measuring cups and spoons, cookware, glasses, a Keurig (praying I get that!!!), Photo Frames, a Wicker Chest for the living room that we can put the blankets in, some serving bowels, some sheets, pillows. I just thought, here is a list of cheaper things that, if they want to bring a gift but dont know what, then here are some suggestions. Nothing expensive, but everything practical. 

So, we registered at Target and Bed, Bath & Beyond. Two of my most loved stores 

Well, as things change or come up, I will post. I am just so excited about the wedding that I want to post everything, but I dont want to get on peoples nerves about it lol.

Weddings & Other Things

So, I'm trying to get this wedding stuff together, and I'm not sure I can. 

I feel like im over stressing about something that isn't as important to others as it is to me. I guess once I get the RSVP's back, I will know where to go from there. But, as of right now, I'm thinking maybe only 50-75 people will be coming. 

I thought with tax return and Andrews raise we could spend maybe $2,500 on the wedding. I got a place (The Italian American Club) who can do exactly what we want for $16.50 a plate, but, if there are only going to be like 50 people there, whats the point in booking a hall. 

Well, Sunday a family friend Chris is coming over, and so is my Mom and my sister and my best friend Tabby. 

Its hard - the more I try to get excited, the  more I hear all those people from my past telling me how this relationship "isn't right". I hear all these people in my head saying "Oh Patty, you didn't really think we would come did you? Andrew isn't even a real man! How can  you marry him?". I know, causing panic attacks and anxiety that really isn't needed right now. 

I don't know that what I do in my life has ever been important, or as important as the other three kids. 

I just really want my family to celebrate this with me. 

I would like to find a minister who is willing to administer vows with Andrew and I at the reception so that my family can be there. But, to be honest, I dont even know that the family WILL all be there. 

Time will tell. 

I hope it tells a good story....

2012 - Changes??

Well, Andrew and I have decided to take part in the Marriage ceremonies in Downtown Cleveland, Ohio March 24th, 2012. 

I feel like this should be an amazing night, an amazing event, a great, blessed time. But I am starting to feel scared that it wont be. 

I want so bad to share this with my family. But, while they know Andrew as Andrew, and use the proper pronouns, in their eyes, he is still Transgender, and is biologically a female. This hurts my heart. It hurts me because, we have been engaged since February 2010, but how our families have or have not accepted our relationship has caused a lot of stress and tension between us. 

I want my family to be excited with me, I want them to celebrate with us, and dance with us, and smile with us, and cry with us, and celebrate our love with us. I want my Father to be there, but I know he wont be. I want my Mother, my aunts, my Brothers, my Sister, my niece, my nephews, my sons, my cousins - I want them all there to celebrate with us. But while I slowly watch our friends fill up the "accepted" tab on the Reception Invite, and watch my family slowly fill up the "declined" list, my heart sinks. 

Does gender cause this wedge? Does what is between a persons legs really tell us if love is right or wrong?

This is NOT about religion, Im sorry. No matter how much anyone wants it to be, its not. 

Its about Andrew and I, and how much we love each other. Its about wanting to commit ourselves to each other for life. If Andrew was born as a male, then I dont doubt all of my family would show up to a church for a wedding. But this - this is what causes the wedge?

I'm prepping myself - to pay for everything, to do everything, to get dressed without my mom there, to say "I do" with none of my family standing by my side - to cook all the food by myself while Andrew works the morning shift, to bake cupcakes to fill a cupcake tower - because a wedding cake just isn't something we can budget even on the best of days. 

I want so bad to wake up tomorrow and see everyone support us the way they would if Andrew was born male. I want everyone to look at us and see our love, and see our family, not what is under our clothes. 

Either way, I know in my heart, this is the right thing. I just hope, pray, and hope and pray, that BOTH of our families will share this with us. I don't want to do this on our own. This isn't just some dinner party. Its a wedding reception. No matter if Ohio see's this marriage as legal or not - in our hearts it is real. I only hope my family will see it the same way. 

Its been over two years - its time that we take the next step.

New Year, Same Crap

I'm trying so hard to do what I can. I'm trying so hard to bring money in, but I cant work.

People say its bullshit. But I wish they could take a walk in my shoes. I wish they could be inside me for just one week. The Ups and Downs, and the panic attacks. I been trying to sell these cookies and candies, but thats nto something thats going to go on and on and make me enough income to help support my family. But t is helping us with a few extra dollars. 

Andrew gets his raise in January which will help us a lot, but, its only 50c. In December I only made like $400 from the cookies, and that was how much I got paid - if I deduct the ingredients, packing supplies, etc, I maybe only made like $150. Which was great to help us with christmas and rent, but that was all it was. Thank God I didnt make $600. I think 2012 is going to be a lot of changes. 

But, the thing is, this isnt a business. Its just me baking a few cookies and friends and family paying me to bake them. I dont get a huge return, 20% if im lucky. Ingredients, gas for baking, wax paper and bags for packing, paper and ink for printing. 

I'm not doing this to get a huge chunk of money, I'm doing this to keep myself busy and put a couple dollars in my pocket. 

I just want things different in 2012. I keep waiting for SSI to come thoguht, and a few times I gave up, gave in, and tried to find a job. But een walking into a place with the intentions of asking for an application makes me feel sick. 

I sit there hoping for something to happen, but its not going to. I cant get a job without applying. Its like wanting to win the lottery without playing a ticket. 

I told my worker - I have no problem knowing what to do, or how to do it, its doing it that causes the issue. And I try harder than anyone knows. But people look at me and think "I could do better" or "I know she can do better than that" But you dont know, they dont know. 

I wish they did know, I wish they knew how it felt to walk in my shoes.  

Drs....

But some times they do. 

Had my MRI's done on the 15th. I had been waiting for a call back ever since, so finally I called. 

They said they had been trying to contact me all week - they need me to come in as soon as possible. They had a few openings, but now it was Friday and they didn't have anything until after the new year. The Dr was calling in new lab work for me. They need me to get the blood work done as soon as I can, and please fast or get it done first thing in the morning. 

this nurses tone wasnt sweet, or kind, or just easy going like "Oh, we have the test results back, lets get you in to see the dr now." It was "Miss. Savol we have been trying to contact you all week. The Dr really needs you in as soon as you can. We are sending new blood work down for you, please get in early next week to complete it then call us for an appointment." And when I asked what the results were, all I got was "You will have to discuss them with your doctor. But please get the blood work done at least 48 hours before your appointment." 

So here I sit, waiting, and teetering between either, this nurse is a douche bag for acting like this, or there is something wrong and they cant tell me over the phone. 

Then I start thinking - the headaches have been daily, the dizzy spells, the ringing in my ears... Why?

So, tomorrow I have to call and make the appointment, then Wednesday I'll go get the blood work done. 

Im not looking forward to this. 

Being Borderline is hard enough. Now my mind is going a million miles an hour over what could be wrong, and I'm almost too scared to go back....

Christmas 2011

Well, this year was better than last. 

Last year we had to get up at 330am to do gifts because Andrew had to be at work at 6am. This year I didnt get up until 650 

So, our Holiday went like this....

Christmas Eve Andrew got off work at 745pm and we went to my parents house.

Shortly after we got there we ate dinner - Pizza, Sausage, Smelts, Calamari, Olives, and some candy and cookies from me 

After Dinner we all plopped on a couch and watched The Family Stone. After my call to the drs this week, that movie really hit me hard. I could just imagine Andrew and Kat decorating a tree without me next year. 

Anyways, after the movie, we came home.

We got home, Kat crashed, and we stuffed the stockings, placed the gifts, and then cleaned off the dining room table and set it for breakfast.

Christmas Day-

650 the alarm went off, got dressed, visited the bathroom to empty my bladder and then made my way slowly to the kitchen 

Started frying the bacon, and then Kat and Andrew joined me 

Andrew cooked the eggs after the bacon was cooked, while Kat made the toast. 

We got the Juice, and grapes out, and sat down to a very yummy breakfast.

After breakfast I wrote our names on paper and out them in a bowl. 

Then, we started watching The Polar Express 

When he got to pick the first gift of Christmas, we drew a name from the bowl, and Andrews name got picked. 

This was epic because he HATES opening gifts before everyone else. 

From there, we took turns, and opened all the gifts. 

At about 11 Andrew went to his parents house while I finished some cookies, and cleaned up from Breakfast. 

At about 1-130 Scott picked us all up and we went to Moms.

Dinner, Dreidle, and gifts later, we came home about 9am and crashed!!

It was so much fun, and I am glad I was there for Christmas this year 

Alone...

I have to be honest, sometimes I feel so alone. 

I live in this house with Andrew and Kat, and I spend time with them, but I feel alone still.

I understand that Andrew works long hours, but even on his days off he wants to sleep until 10-11am. 

I miss when he would get up with me in the mornings when I got out of bed. But then again, it seems like there is always something to argue about so maybe thats why he sleeps so long. 

Honest question - when does someone catch up on sleep? How much "extra" sleep do they need to get until they can say they are rested?

Sometimes I feel like all he does is work and sleep. Granted, we do spend a couple hours a day together. But, I look at couples who work8-9 hours a day, sleep 6-8 hours, and spend the rest of their time with family. Lastnight we got home around 930, and were in bed by 1030, and its 10am and he is still sleeping. 

Not to mention he works at 2pm, so he will be leaving around 130, so in just a few short hours he will be leaving. 

But, I feel like if I say anything to him about it, I will be wrong for saying something, or wrong for voicing how I feel. 

Granted, I dont work, bu I used to. I know how tiring it can be to put up with bullshit for 8 hours a day, or 10 for that matter. But if that bullshit makes you so tired that its absorbing your family time so you can sleep it off, then by all means, find a new job with less bullshit. 

I'm slowly feeling my family slip away from me, and im starting to feel numb, like tempered. Its not hurting like it used to, not sure its hurting at all. Just, annoying me more and more. 

Oh well..