Empty

I keep coming back, thinking if I write and write that there is something inside of me that will come out and then 


I'll be ok and all better, but its not working. 

I cant deal with this life anymore. I sit there and my anger, and my crying, and my depression, its fucking consuming me and Ic ant deal with it anymore. I just want to drag nails down my skin to make the pain inside go away. 

I sit here and the shit just starts and IC ant make it stop. I've been crying for over an hour and I cant make it stop. it just keeps going and going. And I'm sick of feeling like I'm all alone. I'm sick of feeling like no matter what 

I cant be happy. I try all these damn pills and all these damn cocktails to try and fix me, BUT NOTHING WORKS!!!

I am sick of being this way. 

I dont smoke pot anymore, I dont drink anymore, I cant pretend like everything is ok anymore. 

I cant sit here day in and day out and feel like my head is going to explode. but I do. because I dont have any other choice. I dont have a choice because I dont have anymore to go to. I am so fucking alone. I live in a house with my daughter who I SUCK at mothering, and a guy who I am marrying but feel so fucking distant from because of shit that happened almost a year ago. 

I feel like im locked up in this house because I am scared to leave the house. And when I do leave the house I am always scared of what is going to happen. People say stick it out and it will be fine, but it wont. They dont understand. 

They say just push and keep positive but I cant!!! I do it and it goes wrong, and then I feel worse!!

YOU DONT KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE UNTIL YOU HAVE LIVED LIKE THIS.

And I am sick of living like this. I dont want tof eel like this anymore. I want to be normal. I want to be able to leave the house by myself and be able to be around people without wondering what everyone is thinking, and what they will say if i walk away from the table. And wondering what Andrew is doing when im not around, or who he is talking to. And im sick of being scared that I'm never going to be good enough, that im not ever going to be good enough to be loved by anymore.

I dont feel like my family loves me, i dont feel like my family wants me. Nate drives a wedge between Alex and I, and I dont even know what either of my son's favorite color is. I am sick being this piece of shit person. 

Have you ever heard that song "end of the World" by Skeeter Davis? Thats how I feel right now. Thats how I feel when im sitting at home alone, always checking my phone to see if someone has text or called to talk to me. to see if someone has sent me an e-mail or messaged me to see how my day is going. 

I feel like my world is falling apart around me. But I've almost always felt like this. But these last 3 years, its just been getting worse, and worse, and worse. It started before I even started dating Heather, and then she just made me feel like this shit on the bottom of her shoe unless I was handing her money. 

then I lost my job, and it made me feel like I just wasnt important enough. 

And sometimes, I sit here on my couch and wonder if I am important enough. I sit here and wonder what the hell I'm doing anyways. Sometimes I sit here and think - even if I was gone it wouldn't matter. Even if I was dead no one would notice. I would just be that one who wasnt bothering them anymore. 

And the fucked up thing is, I wanna stay alive just to spite them, not because I want to be here, not because IW ant to get better. In all honesty, I want to hurt them the way they hurt me, and the only way I can figure to do that is to stay alive and make them notice me, make them admit that they are related to me. 

Force my mother to admit that she is my mother - Force my father to admit that I am his child. 

But I cant force myself to be happy. I cant be happy. 

I can pretend to be happy. I can take pills to make myself feel normal. But they dont last, and they dont make me better, they just mask what is there. They make me feel like im lying to myself, and everyone else. 

I sit there almost every night and I cry and cry and cry untill my head and neck hurt, and I cant breath. But the next day I can walk ingot Ginny's office and tell her everything has been great. why? Because I'm scared for people to know the truth. I'm scared people will find out that I dont belong in this house.

If people knew how much I cut, how much I took more Clonapin than I should, they would put me in the hospital. 

I punch door frames, I bang my wrist and arms, I cut and stab, because I want my physical pain to over shadow the emotional pain that is slowly killing me. 

I want so bad to lay down and close my eyes and just see my Grandma, and slowly fade into death. I Feel like it would make it so much easier for everyone. 

I want so bad to just leave everyone. But I cant leave my daughter. I fear what would happen to her if I were gone. But I fear whats going to happen to her with everything she see's from me. 

She see's Mommy crying all the time. All the time. She always wants to make me better, always asking me whats wrong. But I cant answer her, because I dont know. I start crying for no reason, and then a million reasons flood into my mind why I should keep crying. 

If it werent for my daughter I would be dead already. She is the only thing that keeps me alive. But some days, I just think she might be better off somewhere that is not near me. I am scared of what willo happen to her. 

I dont want her to grow up and be a wreck like I am. I dont want her to think any of this is her fault.

Then other days, I think, maybe she wouldnt even remember. Maybe if I died, she wouldnt remember it in a few years, maybe she really would be better off. 

This is a daily fight for me. I had to write it down, because I never admit it. I never tell anyone, because I am scared to. 

at leats 2-3 times a week I sit here and think I need to get into the hospital, but I have no one to take care of Kat, so I cant. 

Even if Andrew worked a mid-shift, he wouldn't get home in time for Kat. And no one in my family would help him. I just dont know what to do anymore. I feel like im losing my mind, and one day, I know I'm going to snap, and I'm not going to be able to come back from it. I dont know what to do, and Im scared. Im scared for my life. 

It ain't easy being me

Sometimes its hard being who I am. 

It sucks.

I have so many ups & downs, and my days are a mix of emotions. I wish I could change them, and make it different. 

Some times I wake up and Im in a great mood, but then not too long after waking up, my mood shifts and im depressed, or angry. 

Other days I Wake up and im depressed or upset right off the bat. There is no changing once that happens. 

Sometimes I wonder what I need to do to be happy. I do the meds, I do the therapy, I do the counseling, but nothing helps. 

I just want change. I want to be normal. I want to be sane again. I say again, but I dont even know when the last time was. 

I dont even know what I'm saying anymore, I just want to be happy.

Bandages to Bandaids

Lets be honest, it hasnt been that long since I cut. I can still see the perminant scare on my upper arm there I used the sharp tweesers to carve into myskin until I bled.

But last night was one of those times when I knew it "had to happen". People who dont understand real cutters will never understand what it means to "have to". Just like an alcoholic, or drug addiction, its something that releases into your body and calms you down. 

I dont remember the last time I felt as bad as I did last night. I wes begging Andrew to give me permission to off myself. I wanted to die so bad. I wanted to stop this feeling that was boiling inside of me. 

I was supposed to go out with my best friend, and as the time got closer, I started freaking out about everything. I had already been in bed depressed all day, but then I started thinking about how I would prolly just ruin her night, and how Kat would irritate everyone if she wasnt having fun. How I would just be sitting there depressed. 

But inside was this huge part that just wanted her to come over and make me go and get out of this house. But she just stop texting me. I told her I was just going to stay home and I would text her tomorrow (today), and then she made a status on FB about how people are pissing her off. 

This is why I dont get close to people. Because at some point, no matter how open I am with them about my depression, it drives a wedge between us. 

Now im questioning this wedding stuff. 

I want my wedding day to be filled with family, not just a few friends. 

I am scared of what will happen if we go through all of this, and none of my family shows up. Then how will I feel? 

I'll feel like shit. 

I dont know what to do anymore...

Alone...

I have to be honest, sometimes I feel so alone. 

I live in this house with Andrew and Kat, and I spend time with them, but I feel alone still.

I understand that Andrew works long hours, but even on his days off he wants to sleep until 10-11am. 

I miss when he would get up with me in the mornings when I got out of bed. But then again, it seems like there is always something to argue about so maybe thats why he sleeps so long. 

Honest question - when does someone catch up on sleep? How much "extra" sleep do they need to get until they can say they are rested?

Sometimes I feel like all he does is work and sleep. Granted, we do spend a couple hours a day together. But, I look at couples who work8-9 hours a day, sleep 6-8 hours, and spend the rest of their time with family. Lastnight we got home around 930, and were in bed by 1030, and its 10am and he is still sleeping. 

Not to mention he works at 2pm, so he will be leaving around 130, so in just a few short hours he will be leaving. 

But, I feel like if I say anything to him about it, I will be wrong for saying something, or wrong for voicing how I feel. 

Granted, I dont work, bu I used to. I know how tiring it can be to put up with bullshit for 8 hours a day, or 10 for that matter. But if that bullshit makes you so tired that its absorbing your family time so you can sleep it off, then by all means, find a new job with less bullshit. 

I'm slowly feeling my family slip away from me, and im starting to feel numb, like tempered. Its not hurting like it used to, not sure its hurting at all. Just, annoying me more and more. 

Oh well..