Two way street, or one way road?

I always thought people in a relationship should be equal.
I always imagined someone treating me the same way I treated them.

Then I fell in love.
I realized, when you love someone, they can treat you any way they want, because in the end, you make any excuse there is to keep them around.

Being dependent on someone - thats an excuse for both sides.

On the dependent side - they cant live with out the other.

On the provider side - they can keep the other around by reminding them they have no where else to go, no one else who wants them, and no way to survive without them.

I'm starting to feel like thats where my life is headed.

I feel like I am locked in this box and I have no way out.

I can't deal with these things any more. Its so hard to be the person who gives, gives gives emotionally and mentally, and still be told I'm not good enough.

Sometimes, I sit here and wonder, "How can two people love each other, but have so completely different ways of showing it."
Then I think, maybe its not love.

Maybe he doesn't love me. Maybe he is just scared to be alone.

It seems like every time we do this, I threaten to leave (even though, lets me honest, by now he knows he can treat me any way he wants, and I am never going to be able to leave), and he says sorry.

I sit here sometimes and wonder - does he love me, or does he love the idea of being a "typical man".
The wife, the child, the provider, the worker, the aggressor.
Is his ideal woman someone who lets him walk all over her, treat her like crap, and still serve his lunch just the way he likes it?

I used to be so stong, I used to fight for someone to treat me the right way.

Now, I don't know what I'm fighting for anymore.

Some days I love him and feel like I can't live without him, other days I wonder how much longer I'm going ot survive in this home.

Some days the emotional abuse is so hard, I would rather he hit me.

This week started off with Kat being sick and getting sent home from school. Now I'm sick. I've been sick for a couple days.

But I've learned something- when I'm sick, no one needs to see it. Because when he does, its one of two extremes. 1)He wants to basicly take care of me to the point where I feel smothered, or 2) He gets mad because I cant take care of everything and he has to.
Which, he doesnt.

I started getting worse yesterday - my chest hurt, my ribs hurt, my nose, throat, stomach...
I stood at the sink trying to hide the fact that I felt like I was going to fall over.
He looked at me and said, "Go to bed, this will all be here tomorrow, you can do it then."

(Ever see that comic on FaceBook where the blond lady is smacking the man across the face saying, "No, you go make me a sandwich!"" Yea, thats how I felt!)

I thought, why does it have to be here tomorrow? Can't you see how sick I am? Why can't you do it?
I guess my attitude shown through, because later on he did the dishes - most of them.

Last night, I took a bath for over an hour because I felt so horrible. But the hot bath felt so good.
When he takes a bath, I check on him, make sure he has a drink, book, etc... That's me.
But not him... he doesn't do those things. He used to - in the beginning. But not anymore.

Sometimes I feel like he came in, swooped me up, protected me, loved me, cared for me, and as soon as he knew I had no other means of life outside of our relationship, he started to show the real him.

The attitude, the snapping, and other things too.....

It wasnt until a few months in I found out he had been in jail for DV. I don't know that knowing it would have leaned me one way or another - he seemed so sweet.
If only I knew then what I know now.

This morning, I didnt fall asleep until 630am (about), and then got woke up at 830, 930, and 1030. Finally Andrew got up to go to the bathroom, and when he was done so did I. But before he got up, he said "Get some sleep baby. Go back to bed."
Ok, great, I would love to! I'm exhausted.

I go to the bathroom, then back to the bedroom - and he is sitting up in bed watching TV.

Um, I thought you just told me to go back to bed? How am I going to sleep with the TV running?

So there I lay, hoping to pass out...But, nothing.
So I sit up, and tell him I'm going to get out of bed.

Well, there you have it "I'm going to get up." The deadliest words of the day.

His attitude jumps into over drive, and he gets up, starts snapping at me, and runs around the house with an attitude cleaning, telling me ot just lay there, just go back to bed, no one is in there to bother me any more. I can just shut the TV off and be alone.

I sat there crying for what seemed like an hour.

Called my mom, trying to get a hold of her - I just wanted to run away and go to her house. But they were leaning. I was crying. She kept asking me what was wrong - but truth is, I'm too embarissed to tell her.

How can I tell my mom this is what my life is like?

The worst partis - if the slightest thing happens between Andrew and I, he is running to tell his Mom. They talk, literally, every single day.

They got into a fight once because he didnt play Words with Friends and check in one day. Seriously?

He doesn't see it - but he is so much like her, yet he talks about how much he hates her sometimes. They fight, she makes him feel like garbage, I clean up her mess, and he runs back to her.

Kind of feels like I am the "other woman" in his mom and he;s relationship.

I just needed to get this off my chest.

Why are mornings to hard??

Every morning seems to get harder and harder.

I feel like I'm getting walked all over - by a 10 year old!

I tell her time and time again, PLEASE PLEASE get your things ready for school. She walks away for 20 minutes, come back, and tells me she did it. I trust her, or I peek in, see her back pack on top of school stuff, and assume its all there.

This morning, she is getting ready...
no boots
no gloves
no scarf
no hat

She had 4 pairs of gloves
she has 2 pairs of boots (one was missing, the other was wet from snow yesterday)
no scarf (she has 2 and a home made one)
no hat (again, three, two home made)

Then, I told her all day yesterday, go get your clothes from the dryer. She kept saying, "ok, ok, ok" But yet, this morning, she leaves in 20* weather wearing leggings and a skort. Why? Because her school clothes are dirty on the bathroom floor, and any school clothes that ARE clean are still in the dryer.

At what age do I make her suffer for not taking care of her responsibilities??

Just me, myself, and everything else

I'm not hard wired like everyone else.
Yes, I'm human - but my brain doesn't work like everyone else's.

Here's the deal -
as someone who has a harder time processing emotions and feelings, I have to decide to either a - realize im not normal, and deal with my emotions as they come, or b - force myself to conform to what everyone else thinks I should be, and let everything bottle up and kill my from the inside out.

I'll choose A.

Tonight - sleep isnt on the menu. Neither is anything else.
I'm sitting here in the living room crying while Kat and Andrew are both passed out.
He busted his ass all week, so, my normal answer to his question "Are you ok?" is always, "Yes baby, why?"

Its so hard for me to ask him to deal with my issues when I know he has ones of his own he is dealing with.

Tonight though, ...
tonight would have been a perfect time for some affection.
I tried - but I guess he was too tired to catch on...

Then, the emotional part kicks my ass and says, if I was worth trying for, he would have.