Yesterday was, hard, to say the least.
I went to court for SSI, and It was like a therapy session - tears and all.
I wanted to cry out "help me get better", but all I could do was answer the questions when the judge asked or when the lawyer asked.
I'm so scared, I'm so, fearful? I don't know how to explain it.
I'm so sick of being criticized for filing for disability. So many people abused the system that don't need the help. People working, making $1,200+ a month, but still getting a $1,400 check every month. How is that fair??
How is it fair that no matter how hard I try to work on me, I get dirty looks?
Because I don't limp? Because I don't have to get around in a wheel chair? Or is it because I smile when people come around?
Do any of you have any idea how many people I have lost in my life because I have spoke openly about my feelings, or because I stood up for what I believe in?
Why is it so much more OK to take some medication and walk around half asleep, than it is to ask for help and speak your mind? Why can't people say "It's ok to need help." rather than "Grow up and get over it."
Some things you just can't get over, some things you have stuck in your mind. Some things you have to learn to get over and grow out of it. When you have spent your whole life believing one thing, and finally you break and can't get back up, why are we made to believe asking for help is bad? Why are we led to believe that we need to just deal with things on our own free time? What if those issues, those feelings, those memories, what if they invade your life on a daily basis?
People have called me a lier, people have told me I'm lazy, My favorite Aunt has refered to me as a lazy attention whore. Seriously? All because some times I need to vent and hear someone say "its ok"?
Mostly - Am I not allowed to have a good day? I only get a few of them a month. But the second you see a smile on my face you want to call me a lier for every single one of my bad days? How does that make any sense? I'm not allowed to be happy? Do you have any idea how much worse that makes me?
I was told me whole life I was a lier, a cheat, a fraud, and a mistake. Now your going to tell me I need to choose to either be happy or be depressed? Why cant I be both? Why cant I enjoy my good days when I have them? Its like finding a $50 in the mix of $1's. Its something I enjoy, and want to make the most of, because tomorrow I may wake up and not be able to get out of bed.
I'm sick of making people think my life is better just so I dont have to hear them complain about me, or hear the things they say behind my back. I'm sick of people pushing me to do things I'm not able to do, it makes me feel even worse.
I'm scared to tell anyone in my family about the SSI - not because I don't need it, but because I am sick of being made to feel like I'm the worst person in the world because I'm asking for help when I need it.
Why is it so hard for people to say "Its ok if you need help"? Why is it so much easier for people to say "Do it your damn self, you havent earned anything if you havent busted your ass for 50 years!!"
I'm sick of being made to feel irrelivent, I'm sick of having to be fake with people I love, because they refuse to support me. I put up with more crap so I don't lose them, when in fact, I'm sure the things they think and say about me are part of the damn problem to start with.
