by the title of this blog you would think it was about how upset I get with the things my child does. Sure, I get annoyed when she doesn't listen, or doesn't get her home work done on time. But here are my real Mommy frustrations...
People who walk all over their kids, or use their kids as free labor.
My daughter is 9 years old - she has no business doing any of the following -
1) laundry
2) dishes
3) cooking meals for herself
4) vacuuming
5) mopping
6) caring for other family members
Now, I am just one mom, not the ruler of all moms. There are just some things I as a mother, do not want my child to do. I want to parent her, and mother her, and be the provider. I don't ever want her to feel like her worth is measured by how much she can do for me. Her worth is measured by how much I love her, and how much I show her I love and care for her.
Anyways, thats all....
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Friday, September 21, 2012
Mothers, Fathers and Children alike
In the first 7 years of Kathleens life, I spent many hours making phone calls, sending e-mails, sending news letters and pictures, and trying to force her bio-dad to have a relationship with her. He wanted nothing to do with her, he rejected every invite I sent. So, I started to reach out to her Grandparents.
I come from a huge Italian based family, and my mother side isn't Italian, but they are so close that I really, REALLY wanted Kat to experience that huge family life. After feeling like a stalker, and backing off, I got an e-mail from Kats father's Girlfriend saying they wanted to come see her. yes, his GIRLFRIEND.
I thought this was all a little ploy for her to not allow me to speak to JP. Well, I had no intentions of speaking to him, I wanted nothing to do with him. I wanted to sit there and let JP and Kathleen build a relationship before she got too old.
Well, she got too old. And he never grew a heart, so he never got to know her.
Well, here we are, living in a wonderful home, with my husband, who calls Kathleen his own, and who Kathleen loves and calls Daddy.
But here is where i really get mad....
This last Tuesday (9/18/2012), I had to go to court for a finally hearing on custody of Kathleen. Who was I sitting in the court room with? JP. Well, I spilled everything - how he has never called, never visited, how he isnt around for the visits with his parents, how he is not involved with Kat's schooling, etc.
He played a good role..... The Dad who isnt allowed to be involved, the Dad who tries so hard (but has no data to back it up), the Dad who was refused to sign the Birth Certificate, the Dad who was too far away to visit when he so badly wanted to. Well, the Judge saw right through all of it, and called him out on it too. When asked why he never visits, never calls, never inquires, yet wants custody, he admitted - he doesn't, its his parents.
The bastard.
He has no idea what he is missing out on. He has no idea how amazing this little girl is! He will never know what an amazing person she is, what an amazing, HUGE heart she has!
I've talked to her about spending time with JP, and I've asked her how she feels about it. I have asked "Do you want to call and talk to him?" on Fathers day, or Christmas, or any other Holiday, and the answer is always the same - "No, thats ok." I always ask her why she doesn't want to, and her answer is always the same - "He isnt my Dad. Andrew is my Daddy. JP doesnt do daddy things, Daddy does Daddy things."
There were things said in court, by JP and comments made by his parents which I wont put here. Not only because I dont want to relive them, but I never want Kathleen to know what those things are.
Right now, I am just so happy, so blessed, and so in love with my family I have right here in my home.
Kathleen, Andrew, and Myself.
We don't need him.
I come from a huge Italian based family, and my mother side isn't Italian, but they are so close that I really, REALLY wanted Kat to experience that huge family life. After feeling like a stalker, and backing off, I got an e-mail from Kats father's Girlfriend saying they wanted to come see her. yes, his GIRLFRIEND.
I thought this was all a little ploy for her to not allow me to speak to JP. Well, I had no intentions of speaking to him, I wanted nothing to do with him. I wanted to sit there and let JP and Kathleen build a relationship before she got too old.
Well, she got too old. And he never grew a heart, so he never got to know her.
Well, here we are, living in a wonderful home, with my husband, who calls Kathleen his own, and who Kathleen loves and calls Daddy.
But here is where i really get mad....
This last Tuesday (9/18/2012), I had to go to court for a finally hearing on custody of Kathleen. Who was I sitting in the court room with? JP. Well, I spilled everything - how he has never called, never visited, how he isnt around for the visits with his parents, how he is not involved with Kat's schooling, etc.
He played a good role..... The Dad who isnt allowed to be involved, the Dad who tries so hard (but has no data to back it up), the Dad who was refused to sign the Birth Certificate, the Dad who was too far away to visit when he so badly wanted to. Well, the Judge saw right through all of it, and called him out on it too. When asked why he never visits, never calls, never inquires, yet wants custody, he admitted - he doesn't, its his parents.
The bastard.
He has no idea what he is missing out on. He has no idea how amazing this little girl is! He will never know what an amazing person she is, what an amazing, HUGE heart she has!
I've talked to her about spending time with JP, and I've asked her how she feels about it. I have asked "Do you want to call and talk to him?" on Fathers day, or Christmas, or any other Holiday, and the answer is always the same - "No, thats ok." I always ask her why she doesn't want to, and her answer is always the same - "He isnt my Dad. Andrew is my Daddy. JP doesnt do daddy things, Daddy does Daddy things."
There were things said in court, by JP and comments made by his parents which I wont put here. Not only because I dont want to relive them, but I never want Kathleen to know what those things are.
Right now, I am just so happy, so blessed, and so in love with my family I have right here in my home.
Kathleen, Andrew, and Myself.
We don't need him.
Monday, June 11, 2012
LGBT rant
Andrew began working at Applebee's back in February, and it was amazing. He wasn't out to anyone at work, only his bosses knew. He was free to use the men's room, he is called Andrew at work, all male pronouns.
Well, someone outted him at work. And now, two months later, he is being told he needs to use the womans restroom.
Do these people have any idea what they are doing? Is this their way of pushing him out? They can't fire him, there isn't any grounds for it. He is a hard worker, always there when they need him. He bust his ass at work.
I wonder how the managers would feel if they were told they had to use the female wash room, seeing as how they are all men.
Im really pissed.
I don't know what to do.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Yuckies and germs
If there is one thing i hate, its getting sick.
My life revolves around this home and doing things in it. When i get sick, i cant do anything.
My OCD feels like its overflowing, and i know as soon as i feel better I'm going to lose my emotional composure and im going to lose it. I'll feel like I've lost grip of all reality.
In a perfect world, Andrew and Kat would say, "Hey, Mommy's sick, so lets clean up the house so she doesnt feel overwhelmed when she gets better." But.. Andrew works full time, and kat has school and home work. Its just not logical.
Oh but how i hope and wish that would happen lol
Remember,
You are LOVED,
Always,
The sick....
Me
:-)
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Keep Sakes
Most people don’t realize that adoptions are a lifelong thing; they don’t just happen at delivery and when you sign the papers. They continue for the rest of your life, and the child’s life.
In my Project Mommy blog (http://projectgoodmom.blogspot.com/) I recently posted a blog on how to keep memories in life, and how photographs and videos just aren’t a safe or sure way to keep those memories for the rest of your life. Well, when it comes to being a BirthMother, sometimes those photographs and videos are all we have. So, we need to keep them and protect them.
When you think of family photo albums, what do you think of? Random pictures, some good, some bad, all clumped into a book that’s kept on the coffee table or book shelves? Maybe, an on-line ordered spiral bound picture book from Walgreens during the half off sale? A Scrap book you spent the weekend crate with your daughter that was put out on display on the coffee table during Christmas?
While these things are a great thing to share, a joy to show off, they aren’t safe. Let’s face it, no photograph or book is. We can do anything we want to try and keep these items safe, but the fact is, anyone could trip or loose balance, spilling coffee, wine, or soda all over the book, ruining at least some of the photos.
So, when we have photos we want to keep safe, what do we do with them? There are a few options.
DVDs. Flash drives, SD cards. But, really, we can’t put everything on these forms of storage.
And if we are being honest, photos of a child you placed for adoption will almost always be more important that your niece shoving her face into birthday cake. Hold on, this isn’t a debate on WHO is more important, it is about what objects are more important.
Well, when we place a child for adoption (open, closed, semi-open, semi-closed, inner-family) there are many moments we will miss of the child’s growing up. The photos we receive from the Adoptive Parents share those moments and memories with us. But, its not just photos, it’s the cards, the letters that come with the photos, and anything else.
After my Birthson was born I found a box from my moms job and I shoved in everything that had to do with him. Papers, folders, hospital cards, life books, scrap books, photo albums, letters to and from his parents, letters to him.
Now, I have this amazing wooden box that holds all of the important things. Things I have received, been given as a gift, or made myself. And now, I would like to share those things with you.
The box itself I got at Pat Catan’s (http://www.patcatans.com/) for only $35. It was the best buy I ever made. You can paint, stain, finish, or varnish them any way you would like, but, I liked keeping mine simple. The plan is, one day, I’ll have Keaton place his hand prints on the box with paint, but nothing more.
Inside I keep Photo Albums filled with pictures that R&H have sent me over the last 4 ½ years.
I also have a life book I made for him, filled with photos, songs and poems that remind me of him, the paperwork and forms from the adoption
I also have kept the items I received from both adoption agencies during the matching process
And I have other cards, packs of photos, and miscellaneous things.
While my relationship with Keaton and his parents is a good one, I still have to hold on to the memories they are willing to share with me.
This box may not be a fool proof way to keep them safe – god forbid there is a house fire, my daughter, not the box, would be the first thing I grabbed – it is a way to keep them out of daily harm like spills, muggy boots, dirty fingers, etc.
There are many ways you can preserve photos and keep sakes, this just happens to be the way I keep mine. If you haven’t already, I hope this encourages you to do something for your own memories; be it that of a birth child, adopted child, grandchild, or even a special occasion. The box could be smaller than a show box, or the size of a hope chest, as long as it is special to you, that’s all that matters.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Life Rants - pt. 1
Well, it seems like I hardly update my blog when I should, then when I do, I really don't have much to say. So, here we go. A list of things that have been going on in my life, some important, some not.
1) My Birthday
I invited everyone over, and it was pretty amazing. Everyone showed up. THAT was a shocker. Mom, Dad, Stacy (Ira, Vincent, Marc), Scott (Risa, Brandon), Mike (Mikey, Mikayla), Aunt Like, Jill (Blake), Aunt Janet (Gracie), one of Kathleen's friends and her mom were here as well, Tony and his girlfriend. And best of all, Andrew, and my best friend, Tabby. It was, amazing :-)
Tabby made me a Chocolate Strawberry swirl cake, with a big beautiful M&M on top :-) And I got a Ice Cream Cake from DQ for Grandma. It was Beautiful, a 10" round cake, with four beautiful blue butterflies on top - one for me, one for Mom, one for Aunt Janet, and one for Aunt Liz. I cried, it took me maybe 90 seconds to stop crying and blow out the candles. I cried because I missed her, I cried because the family was together and she was missing, I cried because I could just picture her and Papa dancing together across a clouded ball room floor. But, in the end, I loved every minute of it, because I shared it with a house full of family; all who I love so very much!
2) Work Out Class
I started going to work out class with my friend Tabby. But, I only did it for a month. I wish I could have kept going, but, I just don't have the money. Its only $20 a month, but thats $20 we could use on the light bill. Its hard with only one income. But, I started doing the Wii Fit again today, lately I have been doing the Bob Harper DVDs, which I LOVE.
I had 1 - 5lb weight, and 1 - 3lb weight. I couldn't afford to get two of each, so I just got one of each and switched it up. But, Tabby got me a match for them for my birthday. AWESOME!!! I was so excited for that.
I really need to start working out every day. And that's what I plan to do, starting today. Its Sunday, March 11, 2012. Seems like a pretty good day to start a new way of life :-)
I changed the way I eat the first of the year, but I haven't seen much change. I did lose some weight (I'll be honest, I went from 327 to 312, then down to 309), but when I started the new meds (next segment) my activity decreased so much, I was so tired ALL the time, that I went up to 316, and now I'm at 318. I am sick to my stomach over my weight. I keep changing the way I eat, but it doesn't seem to help much.
I log everything, but some days I only take in (after exercise) less than 1000 calories.
I am going to see a nutritionist this month.
3) New Meds
Well, they started me on Seriquil and I am so tired, all the time. I hate the way it makes me feel. I went from exercising every day, to maybe 3-4 times a week. It made me feel like I was losing my mind. Then after a week of being on them, I was only exercising when I went to class (twice a week), and that killed me. I gained 2 lbs in 3 weeks. I was PISSED.
I am still on it, but its not as bad, and to be honest, I dont take it every day. I'm scared to. Im scared that im going to die, in my sleep. Why so dramatic? Because Im sick of being this big, I started fixing it, and now I feel liek this medication is puting a brick wall in front of me. Yea, I get enough energy to kick it once in a while, but I need to get enough in me to kick the G-d Damn thing down!!
4) Keaton
*sigh* I miss him so much :-(
I got an e-mail from his Mommy (R). Its weird, you know. I never got e-mails from her, they were always from his Momma (H). But she sent me a picture of him from the local news paper - so cute!! Of course, he is mine :-)
I often think of how different he would act if I had raised him.
Part of me thinks that he really isnt a part of me because he is so completely different. Part of me feels guilty, wondering if people (his parents) will ever think he is better than Kat & Alex.
In any right, it was nice hearing from her, it was the first time since October.
5) Alex
I miss him, I miss him more then I miss Keaton. He IS a part of my soul that I cant give up on. His father tries to keep us apart, I know he does, but I wont give up. I want him here so bad, but I would never take him from his father. I want to visit with him, and spend time with him, but I cant, and I hate that.
6) SSI
I go to court May 8th. I am not really sure how things are going to go, but I pray that after this long, long wait, that something goes in our favor. I've tried getting a job, I've tried finding work, but my anxiety - whats the use explaining? Most people don't understand, and they dont want to. They think "Its easy for me, it should be easy for you" But I'm not them, you know? Im not them, I am me. I never would have asked to be this way, I ask daily to be a different way.
7) OCD
Its been slowly taking over everything in my life. The cleaning, the cooking, the company. Everything has to be perfect, or it has to be thrown out.
I dont even know how to explain it. I've had it, but not like this, for some time. When I was younger (early 20's) I was told it was just a form of being Manic. But then it started at night, after everyone went to bed, I would get up and lock the back door again (once for every person in the house), then the front, (again, once for each person), then the back again (same), and front again (same). I would listen for Dad to go to bed till I did this. Then, when Andrew and I moved in together, it started all over again. But then the locking stopped, and I started doing other things. Now, it comes out in cleaning, and cooking, and other things. If it cant be perfect, then whats the point? Thats how I feel anyways. And it kills me.
Well, thats pretty much it for right now.
Guess I'll catch up soon :-)
1) My Birthday
I invited everyone over, and it was pretty amazing. Everyone showed up. THAT was a shocker. Mom, Dad, Stacy (Ira, Vincent, Marc), Scott (Risa, Brandon), Mike (Mikey, Mikayla), Aunt Like, Jill (Blake), Aunt Janet (Gracie), one of Kathleen's friends and her mom were here as well, Tony and his girlfriend. And best of all, Andrew, and my best friend, Tabby. It was, amazing :-)
Tabby made me a Chocolate Strawberry swirl cake, with a big beautiful M&M on top :-) And I got a Ice Cream Cake from DQ for Grandma. It was Beautiful, a 10" round cake, with four beautiful blue butterflies on top - one for me, one for Mom, one for Aunt Janet, and one for Aunt Liz. I cried, it took me maybe 90 seconds to stop crying and blow out the candles. I cried because I missed her, I cried because the family was together and she was missing, I cried because I could just picture her and Papa dancing together across a clouded ball room floor. But, in the end, I loved every minute of it, because I shared it with a house full of family; all who I love so very much!
2) Work Out Class
I started going to work out class with my friend Tabby. But, I only did it for a month. I wish I could have kept going, but, I just don't have the money. Its only $20 a month, but thats $20 we could use on the light bill. Its hard with only one income. But, I started doing the Wii Fit again today, lately I have been doing the Bob Harper DVDs, which I LOVE.
I had 1 - 5lb weight, and 1 - 3lb weight. I couldn't afford to get two of each, so I just got one of each and switched it up. But, Tabby got me a match for them for my birthday. AWESOME!!! I was so excited for that.
I really need to start working out every day. And that's what I plan to do, starting today. Its Sunday, March 11, 2012. Seems like a pretty good day to start a new way of life :-)
I changed the way I eat the first of the year, but I haven't seen much change. I did lose some weight (I'll be honest, I went from 327 to 312, then down to 309), but when I started the new meds (next segment) my activity decreased so much, I was so tired ALL the time, that I went up to 316, and now I'm at 318. I am sick to my stomach over my weight. I keep changing the way I eat, but it doesn't seem to help much.
I log everything, but some days I only take in (after exercise) less than 1000 calories.
I am going to see a nutritionist this month.
3) New Meds
Well, they started me on Seriquil and I am so tired, all the time. I hate the way it makes me feel. I went from exercising every day, to maybe 3-4 times a week. It made me feel like I was losing my mind. Then after a week of being on them, I was only exercising when I went to class (twice a week), and that killed me. I gained 2 lbs in 3 weeks. I was PISSED.
I am still on it, but its not as bad, and to be honest, I dont take it every day. I'm scared to. Im scared that im going to die, in my sleep. Why so dramatic? Because Im sick of being this big, I started fixing it, and now I feel liek this medication is puting a brick wall in front of me. Yea, I get enough energy to kick it once in a while, but I need to get enough in me to kick the G-d Damn thing down!!
4) Keaton
*sigh* I miss him so much :-(
I got an e-mail from his Mommy (R). Its weird, you know. I never got e-mails from her, they were always from his Momma (H). But she sent me a picture of him from the local news paper - so cute!! Of course, he is mine :-)
I often think of how different he would act if I had raised him.
Part of me thinks that he really isnt a part of me because he is so completely different. Part of me feels guilty, wondering if people (his parents) will ever think he is better than Kat & Alex.
In any right, it was nice hearing from her, it was the first time since October.
5) Alex
I miss him, I miss him more then I miss Keaton. He IS a part of my soul that I cant give up on. His father tries to keep us apart, I know he does, but I wont give up. I want him here so bad, but I would never take him from his father. I want to visit with him, and spend time with him, but I cant, and I hate that.
6) SSI
I go to court May 8th. I am not really sure how things are going to go, but I pray that after this long, long wait, that something goes in our favor. I've tried getting a job, I've tried finding work, but my anxiety - whats the use explaining? Most people don't understand, and they dont want to. They think "Its easy for me, it should be easy for you" But I'm not them, you know? Im not them, I am me. I never would have asked to be this way, I ask daily to be a different way.
7) OCD
Its been slowly taking over everything in my life. The cleaning, the cooking, the company. Everything has to be perfect, or it has to be thrown out.
I dont even know how to explain it. I've had it, but not like this, for some time. When I was younger (early 20's) I was told it was just a form of being Manic. But then it started at night, after everyone went to bed, I would get up and lock the back door again (once for every person in the house), then the front, (again, once for each person), then the back again (same), and front again (same). I would listen for Dad to go to bed till I did this. Then, when Andrew and I moved in together, it started all over again. But then the locking stopped, and I started doing other things. Now, it comes out in cleaning, and cooking, and other things. If it cant be perfect, then whats the point? Thats how I feel anyways. And it kills me.
Well, thats pretty much it for right now.
Guess I'll catch up soon :-)
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Why do i sit here...
I honestly hate the fact that I have so few request, so few things I ask for, "Please don't leave your dirty clothes in the living room...", "Please put the clothes in the dryer...." "Please put the garbage out..." "Please pick up garbage bags that aren't cheep..."
Why do I not even get that?
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