Just me, myself, and everything else

I'm not hard wired like everyone else.
Yes, I'm human - but my brain doesn't work like everyone else's.

Here's the deal -
as someone who has a harder time processing emotions and feelings, I have to decide to either a - realize im not normal, and deal with my emotions as they come, or b - force myself to conform to what everyone else thinks I should be, and let everything bottle up and kill my from the inside out.

I'll choose A.

Tonight - sleep isnt on the menu. Neither is anything else.
I'm sitting here in the living room crying while Kat and Andrew are both passed out.
He busted his ass all week, so, my normal answer to his question "Are you ok?" is always, "Yes baby, why?"

Its so hard for me to ask him to deal with my issues when I know he has ones of his own he is dealing with.

Tonight though, ...
tonight would have been a perfect time for some affection.
I tried - but I guess he was too tired to catch on...

Then, the emotional part kicks my ass and says, if I was worth trying for, he would have.

Court for SSI

Yesterday was, hard, to say the least.
I went to court for SSI, and It was like a therapy session - tears and all.

I wanted to cry out "help me get better", but all I could do was answer the questions when the judge asked or when the lawyer asked.
I'm so scared, I'm so, fearful? I don't know how to explain it.

I'm so sick of being criticized for filing for disability. So many people abused the system that don't need the help. People working, making $1,200+ a month, but still getting a $1,400 check every month. How is that fair??
How is it fair that no matter how hard I try to work on me, I get dirty looks?

Because I don't limp? Because I don't have to get around in a wheel chair? Or is it because I smile when people come around?

Do any of you have any idea how many people I have lost in my life because I have spoke openly about my feelings, or because I stood up for what I believe in?

Why is it so much more OK to take some medication and walk around half asleep, than it is to ask for help and speak your mind? Why can't people say "It's ok to need help." rather than "Grow up and get over it."

Some things you just can't get over, some things you have stuck in  your mind. Some things you have to learn to get over and grow out of it. When you have spent your whole life believing one thing, and finally you break and can't get back up, why are we made to believe asking for help is bad? Why are we led to believe that we need to just deal with things on our own free time? What if those issues, those feelings, those memories, what if they invade your life on a daily basis?

People have called me a lier, people have told me I'm lazy, My favorite Aunt has refered to me as a lazy attention whore. Seriously? All because some times I need to vent and hear someone say "its ok"?

Mostly - Am I not allowed to have a good day? I only get a few of them a month. But the second you see a smile on my face you want to call me a lier for every single one of my bad days? How does that make any sense? I'm not allowed to be happy? Do you have any idea how much worse that makes me?

I was told me whole life I was a lier, a cheat, a fraud, and a mistake. Now your going to tell me I need to choose to either be happy or be depressed? Why cant I be both? Why cant I enjoy my good days when I have them? Its like finding a $50 in the mix of $1's. Its something I enjoy, and want to make the most of, because tomorrow I may wake up and not be able to get out of bed.

I'm sick of making people think my life is better just so I dont have to hear them complain about me, or hear the things they say behind my back. I'm sick of people pushing me to do things I'm not able to do, it makes me feel even worse.

I'm scared to tell anyone in my family about the SSI - not because I don't need it, but because I am sick of being made to feel like I'm the worst person in the world because I'm asking for help when I need it.

Why is it so hard for people to say "Its ok if you need help"? Why is it so much easier for people to say "Do it your damn self, you havent earned anything if you havent busted your ass for 50 years!!"

I'm sick of being made to feel irrelivent, I'm sick of having to be fake with people I love, because they refuse to support me. I put up with more crap so I don't lose them, when in fact, I'm sure the things they think and say about me are part of the damn problem to start with.

Nightmare 10/18

This morning I went back to bed and had this nightmare. I was in this huge arcade attached to my parents home. I was trying to collect the Wii console and remotes for Kat and I to play in the house. This guy who had been a familhy friend had the remote and was holding it above his head.

I said "Come on ________, gimme the remote." And iafter he gave it to me I said "I was going to tell you welcome back we missed you, but now your just a fucking douch bag!"
He grabbed my wrist and said "Oh, I missed you too, wanna feel ho9w much?" And he started pressing himself against me.His friend chimmed in and started razzing him on.
I started screaming, these blood curdeling screams, but no one came, no one even looked.
He said, "Oh remember, your mans gone, he don't give a shit now...."
I looked up and saw Andrew standing there leaning against the wall watching, doing nothing.
He forced himself iinside of me. 1...2...3....4 times. I was screaming and crying. Begging Andrew to help me.
He just had this blank, empty look on his face.

The guy who was raping me said "he isn't gonna do shit, shut up." And as he put his hand over my mouth, he looked at his friend and said "go get her daughter...."

I started kicking and screaming, forcing myself to look over to Andrew. But he just turned around and walked away.

I saw his friend coming back with Kathleen, and kat started screaming, kicking and trying to run away.

That's when I woke up.

I laid there crying in bed, andrew didn't reach for me. It made me realize, he really isn't going to protect me forever. I have to start learning to do things for myself and on my own.

I'm scared.

Abnormal is, Normal!

So, I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, and there are lots of things I want to say.

There are all these stories in the media about people being bullied, cast aside, made fun of, or have even felt that taking their own life was the only way out.

I read someones comment of a picture of Amanda Todd's main attacker - it said something along the lines of, he was an accomplice to her murder. I agree - at least, he should get set to jail for aiding in suicide, or Assisted Suicide, which is banned in Canada.
( I will not link to this, but you can google the name. I refuse to allow any advertisement that may lead to social media spikes for the attackers of this poor young lady.)

There was another case in West Branch, Michigan where bullied high school student Whitney Kropp was voted Home Coming Queen simply because the students who bullied her rallied her to get voted as a joke.
The whole town rallied behind her and dresses, dinners, a limo and more were given to her as a congratulatory gift. I think that town is pretty amazing!! But the High School students make me sick! I hope they learned their lesson! BTW - I thnk she looked beautiful out there on the field when she was introduced!
( http://www.themarysue.com/whitney-kropp-homecoming-court/ )

These are just the two most recent events in the news.

Earlier in the month, David Hernandez of N.Y. was found dead in his family home due to an apparent suicide. There is speculation that this occurred because he was scared to come out as Gay. Whether or not this is true, we need to encourage our children to be who they are, no matter what! Show them we love and support them, no matter who they were born to be, or how they were born!

I follow a Twitter allies who calls her son "BoyChick". She refuses to push any gender bias stereotypes onto him - he has long hair until he ask for it to be cut, he plays with both dolls and trucks, he wears both pink and blue, and they try to use non-gender specific items, or words to describe him. I think its an amazing idea.


In the end, all we are worried about it this - we are all worried about our children being accepted. Be it because of their glasses, because of their weight, because they pick their nose, or because they dont like to brush their hair!

Please, if there is anything you can do to be the greatest parent in the world - it is not buying toys or clothes that they will outgrow in weeks. The greatest thing a parent can do is teach their children how to love unconditionally!

- Patty

Mommy Frustrations....

by the title of this blog you would think it was about how upset I get with the things my child does. Sure, I get annoyed when she doesn't listen, or doesn't get her home work done on time. But here are my real Mommy frustrations...

People who walk all over their kids, or use their kids as free labor.

My daughter is 9 years old - she has no business doing any of the following -
1) laundry
2) dishes
3) cooking meals for herself
4) vacuuming
5) mopping
6) caring for other family members

Now, I am just one mom, not the ruler of all moms. There are just some things I as a mother, do not want my child to do. I want to parent her, and mother her, and be the provider. I don't ever want her to feel like her worth is measured by how much she can do for me. Her worth is measured by how much I love her, and how much I show her I love and care for her.

Anyways, thats all....

Mothers, Fathers and Children alike

In the first 7 years of Kathleens life, I spent many hours making phone calls, sending e-mails, sending news letters and pictures, and trying to force her bio-dad to have a relationship with her. He wanted nothing to do with her, he rejected every invite I sent. So, I started to reach out to her Grandparents.

I come from a huge Italian based family, and my mother side isn't Italian, but they are so close that I really, REALLY wanted Kat to experience that huge family life. After feeling like a stalker, and backing off, I got an e-mail from Kats father's Girlfriend saying they wanted to come see her. yes, his GIRLFRIEND.

I thought this was all a little ploy for her to not allow me to speak to JP. Well, I had no intentions of speaking to him, I wanted nothing to do with him. I wanted to sit there and let JP and Kathleen build a relationship before she got too old.

Well, she got too old. And he never grew a heart, so he never got to know her.

Well, here we are, living in a wonderful home, with my husband, who calls Kathleen his own, and who Kathleen loves and calls Daddy.

But here is where i really get mad....

This last Tuesday (9/18/2012), I had to go to court for a finally hearing on custody of Kathleen. Who was I sitting in the court room with? JP. Well, I spilled everything - how he has never called, never visited, how he isnt around for the visits with his parents, how he is not involved with Kat's schooling, etc.

He played a good role..... The Dad who isnt allowed to be involved, the Dad who tries so hard (but has no data to back it up), the Dad who was refused to sign the Birth Certificate, the Dad who was too far away to visit when he so badly wanted to. Well, the Judge saw right through all of it, and called him out on it too. When asked why he never visits, never calls, never inquires, yet wants custody, he admitted - he doesn't, its his parents.

The bastard.

He has no idea what he is missing out on. He has no idea how amazing this little girl is! He will never know what an amazing person she is, what an amazing, HUGE heart she has!

I've talked to her about spending time with JP, and I've asked her how she feels about it. I have asked "Do you want to call and talk to him?" on Fathers day, or Christmas, or any other Holiday, and the answer is always the same - "No, thats ok." I always ask her why she doesn't want to, and her answer is always the same - "He isnt my Dad. Andrew is my Daddy. JP doesnt do daddy things, Daddy does Daddy things."

There were things said in court, by JP and comments made by his parents which I wont put here. Not only because I dont want to relive them, but I never want Kathleen to know what those things are.

Right now, I am just so happy, so blessed, and so in love with my family I have right here in my home.

Kathleen, Andrew, and Myself.

We don't need him.

LGBT rant

Andrew began working at Applebee's back in February, and it was amazing. He wasn't out to anyone at work, only his bosses knew. He was free to use the men's room, he is called Andrew at work, all male pronouns.

Well, someone outted him at work. And now, two months later, he is being told he needs to use the womans restroom.

Do these people have any idea what they are doing? Is this their way of pushing him out? They can't fire him, there isn't any grounds for it. He is a hard worker, always there when they need him. He bust his ass at work.

I wonder how the managers would feel if they were told they had to use the female wash room, seeing as how they are all men.

Im really pissed.
I don't know what to do.